


You don't have to say I love you

by super_phan_natural



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Based on a song, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, For Him by Troye Sivan, Guess who, I tagged it femalexmale because ill make more relationships, Ice Cream, M/M, POV Dan Howell, POV Phil Lester, Phanfiction, Sad Ending, Sleepovers, Theatre, basically like a john green novel, i have been obsessed with that song, im gonna make it sad later dont worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-30 15:52:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 33,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6430765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/super_phan_natural/pseuds/super_phan_natural
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To say I Love You.</p><p>Based off the song "for him." by Troye Sivan, this story takes place in Manchester, England. Phil Lester is a student at Parrs Wood High School, with his head in the clouds. But when he spots the rather under-appreciated Dan Howell, he learns about the people around him, and himself. Self discovery, learning about fighting back and finding the best things in the darkest of times, this story is meant to help those who are going through a lot. TW for bullying and homophobic remarks in chapter 1 and 2, but otherwise safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We are running so fast

**Author's Note:**

> Beginning of the phanfic, and I'm having good vibes. A bit of mystery in the first chapter, but otherwise going good.

~We are running so fast,  
And we never look back~

His smile appeared before me when I least expected it. 

It was him.

I was sat at my desk in English, our teacher explaining how important our project is, and he entered the classroom.

Of course I have seen him before, but he rarely came to first period. I shuffled my work as he walked up to the desk beside me. The teacher looked really tired with him, but this was Dan Howell. He was going to be sassy back.

“Mr. Howell, can you explain why you were late? Again?”

“I was. Is there some type of pleasure you get from knowing what your students do?” Dan asked in a rather sharp tone. The class held their breath, including me, waiting to see how the teacher would react.

“Mr. Howell please sit down. I’ll be seeing you after school in the detention room” The teacher sighed. Dan shrugged rather nonchalantly.

The rest of the lesson was silence, and it took every muscle in my body to not stare at him. Dan howell was a boy known for being, well, depressing. Depressing and scary, some would say. But that didn’t stop some girls to gawk at him in class or the hallways, and a brave soul to speak with him or even flirt. But he always pushed that girl (or guy) aside. He never seemed interested, and a lot of people respected his privacy.

But I may have had a teensy crush on him.

Ok, maybe more like a big crush.

He made puberty seem like his best friend, and a lot of people (though at first may deny it) agree with that statement. I kind of started noticing him at the beginning of year 10, and I could stop looking at him ever since. 

So why doesn’t he have any friends? Well, he does. But he only has one friend, PJ. More people talk to PJ, some even call him Peej, but PJ sticks with Dan more often than not, and saves him from a lot of trouble. But PJ transferred schools, so now Dan doesn’t really have any friends at school.

I, Phil Lester, am rather outgoing. I have a nice group of friends, composed of geeks and nerds who get along well. The rest of the school is also kind to us, which is rather surprising given all the cheesy high school movies I watched with my cousin Louise showed war between nerds and popular kids.

Louise was ‘one of us’, and was the kindest girl you could meet. But some people have bullied her. Now they don’t, because they know who I am. People are rather kind to me, as they know I’m outgoing and kind to everyone and would never be mean to anyone. But that one day was tested when I confronted the guy who bullied Louise. Let’s say my reputation for never hurting a fly was a bit tainted. 

But despite being kind to everyone, I never got to speak to Dan. He was, in fact, an introvert. Even more, he was anti-social. He barely spoke to anyone, so it surprised me when he looked at me.

His expression was serious, and rather mean-like. But I looked right back at him. And for a split second, you could see the corners of his lips turn up ever so slightly. But the bell interrupted his stare, and he returned to his default face. He grabbed his bag and walked right out.

That was the first encounter of the mysterious Dan Howell.


	2. What ever I lack you make up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't been updating lately, this is to make up for it <3  
> (Hint: when it's writing, I used `` instead of ", which is speech)

~What ever I lack,  
You make up~

Daniel Howell.

I stared at my ceiling, wondering who he is. Who is this Dan Howell, who no one is brave enough to be his friend.

His dimples rarely show, but I have seen them. He made a rather nervous face when he received a text a few days ago, and his dimples caved as his eyes filled with worry. I wondered what he was so worried about,but asking him such a questions was too invasive. And he would realize I was staring at him.

Maybe what some people said about him was different. Maybe he wasn’t scary.

I get up from my bed, clicking around on my laptop of wake it up. It’s monitor growls back as it comes to life, and I click on a new tab. 

``Dan Howell`` I typed.

``-Dan Howell Photography studios  
\- Dan Howell on Facebook. There are 5 people on Facebook named Dan Howell  
-Danielle Howell Real estate``

I looked at the options and click on the facebook link. 5 profiles pop up, and I start reading.

``Dan Howell, age 34, lives in Gdansk, Poland``

Ok, not him.

``Daniel Howell, age 57, lives in New York, United States``

Not him either.

The other three are empty accounts, having no information about anything. Now I have no idea what to do now. Even after looking him up on the internet, I couldn’t find him.

But after some clicking around, I saw an image posted on someone’s facebook profile.

Dan, with his hair and shirt completely drenched, showing curls poking out. His face with red with anger and embarrassment, and one hand trying to cover up the camera. He seemed to be laying in a bed, in a sprawled out position. My eyebrows scrunch up as I try to find backstory to the photo. The description wrote:

``dan the fag caught in action``

My breath hitched as I read it. Who… who could have written such a thing? I scrolled through the comments and saw that I didn't know these people. They went to different schools around the district. Some kids weren't even in Manchester. 

Most of the comments were rude remarks, some I can't even repeat myself. I didn't understand the context behind all of this, but I knew something had to be done. I looked at the date, and it was posted almost a year ago.

“That's just mean” I say aloud. I haven't witnessed such bullying before. I have been bullied before, a push here or some name-calling there, but it normally never went too far. This, however, was never said to me. I shut the laptop and plop back to my bed. I stare at the ceiling again. 

How should I get his attention? 

My phone buzzes at my desk, and I roll over to reach it.

“Phil, do you want to go to the park with Caspar, Chris and I? I heard Caspar’s bringing his friend Joe along. You in?” Louise’s voice rings rather loudly from the other line. 

“Sure, Louise. I’ll be there in about 10 minutes” I say, happy to hear her again today. Louise is not just my cousin, but also my best friend, and I’m always glad when she calls. We have different classes because she’s two years younger, but she fits in. I set down my phone and get changed into appropriate attire. My Totoro shirt was too small on me, so I had to change it.

I didn’t care much about how I looked, I had a rather regular pair of glasses on my face to help me see, and we had to wear a uniform at school. I didn’t have much to worry about. But Dan, he cares a lot about his looks. He always straightens his hair, makes sure his clothes are always from some type of name brand store. I admired his looks, and I appreciated seeing a Muse shirt peeking from his jacket the other day. I look at the time, and I out the door, hoping my thoughts can stay behind in my room. 

The park was a walking distance from my house, so I’m used to being there a lot. I spot Louise , Chris and Caspar in the distance, and some other figure beside Caspar which I suspect to be Joe.

“Hey!” Louise smiled as she saw me. They walked up to me and we walked over to the big tree we normally sit around.

“Hey guys” I say. Joe introduces himself, and I have to look down a bit. I didn’t expect him to be shorter than us, he seemed to have a big personality from what Caspar has told us.

Turns out Caspar was right, he was quite the jokester. He loved telling stories, and quickly got used to us. I look over as I hear voices from a distance away. It was three or four people walking around the other side of the park, and two people I recognized. PJ and…

Dan.

I breathed in rather sharply and Louise noticed.

“Are you ok Phil?” Louise asked. 

“Oh um, yeah. I’m fine” I say. But that picture of him I saw earlier jumped around in my head. Why did the person post it? Did Dan know about it?

Soon there were some shouts coming from the group with Dan and PJ. I look up, and Joe seems to hear it as well.

“What’s going on over there?” He asks. The rest look over to them, and Chris sighs.

“It’s just the weird group. PJ, who I used to be good friends with, made some new friends who are really mean. He just doesn’t realize that. And well, there’s Dan. No explanation needed for him” Chris said.

“What do you mean?” I ask him.

“You know, he’s always kind of… creepy. I mean, he has no real friends, and seems a bit off” Chris explains. 

“You can't just judge someone like that just because you don't like them. You don't know what he's been through” I say, my tone having a hint of anger in it. 

“Calm down, Phil. Why are you so defensive and jumpy today?” Louise asks, putting her hand on my shoulder. I took the gesture wrong, as I jerked back and staggered away.

“Phil, you might want to get home. You seem ill” Caspar tells me, with a rather concerned look on his face.

“I just, I just need to…” I stumble over my words as I walk backwards, and I start hearing a voice shrill from the other side of the park. Everyone turns their heads towards the sound, and I take this chance to run away. 

Why am I running away? Is it because I'm scared of what my friends have to say? That I might tell them what I think of Dan, a boy who I haven't even spoken to? I had no idea, but my legs continued down a hidden path and it curved to the other side of the park. I start losing my breath, and my legs feel numb. I don't see where I'm going. 

And I fall. Of course. 

I land in a bush with thorns and sharp leaves, and it takes every nerve in my body to not scream in pain. I let out a small whimper as I take a deep breath, and I feel tears stinging my eyes, threatening to fall. Just like I did.

“Oh God, do you need help?” A voice asks from a distance away. But I can't see who said it, as I'm currently stuck it a bush of thorns. Footsteps start getting closer, and a pair of expensive black shoes greet my face. Oh no.

“I, um. I think I can handle- OH MY GOD”I shout in pain as I try to get up. That resulted me in sitting back down in the pile of thorns and what used to be a bush.

“Help please” I ask in barely a whisper. The chocolate brown eyes that I looked up at showed fear, but loyalty. Carefully, Dan helped me get up by holding on to my good side. I looked at my left arm, and it started swelling as blood was trickling down my arm and side. As I was fully up, Dan made sure I was ok by checking my face and neck. 

“Ok, um…” he looks spooked, but tries his best not to make a disgusted face. Slowly, he starts pulling out the thorns on my arm. I try to as well, but it's hard to bend my back when it's covered in thorns. We seem to be finished a good fifteen minutes later, and I know that a few thorns have to be removed with tweezers. The tears are already starting to dry, and my face seems less warm.

He then takes off his cotton jacket and rips the sleeve off.

“what did you just-” 

“Don’t worry, it's to stop the bleeding. Plus, it was an old jacket” He reassures me. He wraps the sleeve around my arm and I could see how soft his features were from up close. How delicate and… squishy he looks. Not a round face, but his face does have soft edges. The only thing keeping me from touching his dimples of concentration was the painful arm and side.

“Thank you so much. It would take me until dark to do this myself” I thank him once he's done patching me up.

“You don't have to thank me for doing that. It's what anyone would have done” he tries to be modest.

“Not really. I think 5 people would walk past before someone would even notice” I say. He smiles slightly and nods in agreement. Oh my God, that smile. He doesn't look like that dark and brooding bad boy everyone says he is. He's… kind. Warm features and a genuine smile. A smile that would make any heart flutter. Why does everyone hate him so much?

“I should get going, but we might want to fix that” he points to my arm. I nod, and we make a silent agreement to walk to his flat. We walk in silence, and I have to regulate my heart as it makes me shaky just standing beside him.

We get there and we enter a small flat. It's rather cozy though, and a dog greets us in the kitchen. Dan pets him quickly, then washes his hands and gets the disinfectant spray. It stings like crazy for a good 20 seconds, but It isn't as bad as having needles being punctured into your skin all at once.

He wipes it with a clean cotton pad and wraps the cleared skin with a bandage. The thrones that are left behind are pulled out with tweezers and delicate hands. As he pulls them out, my eyes are tearing up again as the pain is even worst. He kept on missing the last thorn, and I was ready to yowl in pain. 

Eventually everything is cleared up, and 20 minutes later a woman walks in on us bandaging my side and arm, with a bunch of bloody rags and paper towels littering the kitchen. I suspect her to be Dan's mom.

“oh, hi mom”

I was correct.

“What on earth is going on here?!” her voice rings out. Dan tries to explain the situation, but she just grabs the rags and starts bandaging me properly. To be honest, we weren't doing a great job. 

After some explanation, I called my mom to explain my situation. I was bombarded with questions and many ‘we have to call the hospital’ sentences. After some persuasion, I got her to calm down. I told her I was coming home, and that seemed to ease her. Dan's mom offered Dan to drop me off.

“Thank you so much for everything. I feel much better” I say as Dan drove me to my house.

“No problem, Phil”

“You know my name?”

“of course, you're Phil Lester. You're the kid who always befriends everyone and can't hurt a fly. You're in my english class. I don't know if you noticed but I sit beside you” he says, keeping his eyes on the road. I didn't even know he knew me.

“Oh. I guess you pay attention then” I say rather quietly.

“yes, I do. Even though I don't show up sometimes, I know people” he smirks slightly. 

“I just thought, you didn't like people” I mention.

“Well, I don't. But, I'm not a dick. I help when it's needed”

“Oh, so it's not because you took a shining to me?”

“Ha. You are very kind though, I'll give you that” Dan smiled.

“So, thanks then” I say as the car pulls to a stop. I climb out, and just as I do, Dan speaks up.

“Wait”.

I turn around.

“Yes?” Maybe he’ll ask me to hang out with him, or maybe even go out with him, or ask if-

“Your phone” He says, handing me my phone that I accidentally left on the seat.

“Oh, thanks” I take it, holding back a sigh. He nodded as he put the car in reverse and drove away quickly. I didn’t know why he was driving away so fast, but I found out why.

`` Hi, maybe we can hang out sometime to study for English? `` he texted to my phone, and appeared to have saved his phone number into my contacts. I smile as I walk to the door. 

Maybe he was kind after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yeah, if you watch Evan you would understand I got the "Being impaled by a plant" thing from him falling into a cactus. Thanks Evan)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn't update for a while, I'm so sorry about that! Hope this makes up for it!

~We make a really good team  
And not everyone sees~

His eyes were a soft blue, light yet kind. The warmth you get when sipping hot cocoa on a cold day is the warmth I feel around him.

I was an antisocial person, and maybe I stayed that way because I couldn’t trust anyone. People seemed scary, like they could turn on you, use you for their gain. You don’t really understand sometimes why, but it happens. But somehow, I felt safe around him. I know I shouldn’t trust people, but I had to fight with my mind when my heart told me to trust him.

Peej was the first one to call me that day, and said to meet up at the park close to my house. I agreed to go, although I would rather not. Peej was a good friend, but he… started changing. I had his back when Chris started saying he was different, but I realized that he has changed. And not for the better. The random drugs I found in his backpack when they fell out, his new ‘friends’ that dropped out of high school, this all seemed different. His attitude was changing, and maybe Chris was right.

But I didn’t know he was going to be like this.

We were at the park, his friends tag along. I kind of expected them to bring smokes, but for some reason, this made me angry. Peej was becoming like the people we would laugh at, and he didn’t even realize.

“What the bloody hell PJ” I say as he lights it. He gives me a dirty look. 

“You got a problem, Mate?” His friend asks for him. I ignore him.

“Peej, you are actually better than this” I say. 

“I told you to stop calling me that. And I can do what the hell I want Dan. Do you have a problem with what I’m doing?” PJ asks as he stands up a little bit taller. I was still taller than him, but I think he’s trying to ‘show dominance’ which sounds kind of funny. I think that I might have snorted out loud, because his friends started standing up and looked defensive. 

“Mates, I didn’t-”

“Of course you didn’t. You didn’t mean a lot of things, Howell. I think you’re forgetting something that we have against you” PJ almost growls at me. That stopped me. He wouldn’t.

Would he?

“You wouldn’t”

“I will if I bloody need to. Don’t test me, Howell” PJ spat. 

“You know what, if you are going to be a dick about hurting yourself then I’m leaving. I have had enough of you bullshit PJ. I’m leaving” I finally say, walking off towards the forest trail connected to the park. I am 100% done with him, and he seems to get the message. 

“Gaylord”

I sigh as I walk a little faster towards the path. My eyes travel around as I enter the forest, it’s peaceful environment engulfing me. I breathe in deeply as it seems the polluted air of Manchester disappears in the forest. 

“Agh!” I hear from down the path. Oh no, they might have followed me. I slowly walk into view, and a large dent in a thorned bush is shaking. Oh my god, someone fell in. I jog up to them and see someone familiar.

Phil Lester, the kid who sits beside me in English. He looks up at me and says he can get up himself, but after much struggle, lets me help him up. After taking out all the needles, I helped him to my house so it doesn’t get infected too easily. The sweater sleeve I gave him to patch it up wasn’t working as well as I thought it would, and my mom would be home soon. I had to do this quickly. As I got to the flat, Squish came running to the door as he sensed a new person in his territory. I pet him quickly so he can see that Phil is no harm, and run to the kitchen to clean up.

And then I hear the front door open and my mom walks in.

“Oh, Hi mom” I say rather quietly. Her face gave a shocked expression as her bag dropped to the floor.

“What is going on?!” she hollered as she started patching up Phil as an instinct. After explaining everything, she started to calm down and patches up Phil better than I ever could. His smile was still calm and warm. Though he winced from time to time, he still had a happy expression on his face. That shocked me, as I knew I would be in a crappy mood. 

He decided to go home once we finished patching him up, and after a rather long conversation with his mother convincing her that he’s alright, he agreed when I suggested to drive him. I started the car when he got in, and a rather calm silence overcame us. As I sat there, his phone was slipping out of his pocket. I was about to warn him, but a thought drifted to my mind. As it fell out of his pocket, I tried my best to type in my number without him noticing. Now, that does kind of sound creepy, but I didn’t want to come off as being eager. Because, well, I am, but I would assume no one would like that.

As he was staring out the window, I had the chance to hack into his phone from this trick I saw online (don’t judge me) and it worked. Quickly typing it in while driving and him not noticing was quite challenging, and as I finished, I put it beside him so it would look like before I took it. Thankfully he didn’t notice, and I’m glad I wasn’t hit when driving at the same time.

“Thank you so much for everything. I feel much better” Phil speaks up as I was getting close to his house.

“No problem, Phil”

“You know my name?”

“Of course, you're Phil Lester. You're the kid who always befriends everyone and can't hurt a fly. You're in my English class. I don't know if you noticed but I sit beside you” I say. Why was he surprised? Did he think I don’t know the things that are going on around me?

“Oh. I guess you pay attention then” He says rather quietly.

“Yes, I do. Even though I don't show up sometimes, I know people”.

“I just thought, you didn't like people” He says.

“Well, I don't. But, I'm not a dick. I help when it's needed”.

“oh, so it's not because you took a shining to me?”

I had to hold back a cough and felt my cheeks turn warm. Crap.

“Ha. You are very kind though, I'll give you that” I manage to croak out.

“So, thanks then” He says as I pull to a stop. 

I feel as if I’m missing something though, and as he was about to close the car door, my mouth worked by itself.

“Wait”

Crap. Why did I do that?

“Yes?”

What do I say? What do I do? I look around frantically and I remember the phone. I pick it up.

“Your phone” Wow, smooth, Howell. You know just what to say.

“Oh, thanks” He says with a rather disappointed look on his face. Was he? Or was I just imagining it? Hm.

I wave goodbye and when he shuts the car door I speed off. I don’t want to see him look at the text I sent, I kind of feel like he might think I’m weird. At least I tried. I sigh as I see the opportunity of having a new friend quickly diminishes. And all because of my stupid brain, thinking it’s so smart. Tumblr would appreciate it though. 

As I was debating whether or not I should just transfer schools after this fiasco so I won’t have to see him again, my phone lights up.

``Sure, Dan! That sounds like a good idea :)``

Oh.

Well then, that’s a great idea then! Good thinking, Howell!

I smile as I turn up the radio and All Star by Smash Mouth comes on the radio. Ah yes, the Shrek song I keep rickrolling people with on Tumblr. I start singing the lyrics as I drive back to my house (Ironically, of course).


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I went to tatinof on sunday, and I'm still speechless! If you get the chance to go, take it! It's so fun! Anyways, I was listening to "I do adore" by Mindy Glenhill and it's amazing, go check that out too! Ok, on with the chapter!

~We’ve got this  
crazy chemistry~ 

I spot Dan’s face in the library the next day. I didn’t see him in English, but I was happy that he came to school at all. I was sitting and reading my book as usual, and he appears beside me. He looked nervous, and he was looking around ever so often. 

“Hey” I speak up as he quickly turns his head around to make sure I was talking to him.

“Oh hi” He says, as if I wasn’t going to notice him.

“You Ok? You look spooked”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Anyways, um, I came over here to ask if you can, um, help me with the English assignment today? If you’re available, that is…” He stammered. It kind of shocked me that a guy who seemed to be so confident about himself and so careless would be stuttering when talking to me in school. I smiled at him as he bit his lip in anticipation. 

“I believe I’m available today. I have drama after school, but we can study in the evening”

“You, you’re in drama?”

“Yeah, it’s a nice club. We have a performance in a few weeks, and I have to practice my lines”

“What are you? A tree?”

“Ha, no. I’m a character in the Cinderella musical that we’re doing. You can drop by if you want, but I don’t think they would allow any new characters at this point-”

“Haha! I would never play in a musical! Are you serious? That’s-” He stopped as he seemed to have noticed that I had a sad expression on my face. 

“Oh, um sorry, it’s just theater was never for me, I just assumed that… Ok never mind. Um, well, I hope it goes well for you” He murmurs. His head goes down slightly as he tries to hide his face. 

“It’s fine, I understand if someone doesn’t like theater. It’s not for everyone” I assure him with a smile.

“Ok. Um, so the English assignment. Tonight?”

“Yes” I say. He quickly nodded and grabbed his bag. A simple head nod and a wave and he was out the door. Great, he was nervous to be around me in school I guess. Scared of his reputation? Maybe. He is always self-concious of what people think of him, so I would assume so. I’m the weird lanky kid who everyone has spoken to at least once, but doesn’t talk to them regularly. But that’s fine, because my real friends stay with me. Louise, Caspar, Cat, Hazel and Chris are all people who mean so much to me. So I guess it never mattered whether people around me hated me.

Ok, that’s a lie. I do care what people think, but I make an effort to be kind to everyone. Someone seems grumpy? They might be having a bad day. Someone bumps into me? They might have been occupied with something important. I assume that everyone knows this though, because they know I’m the go-to guy for introduction. If there is a kid who is new, they always push me towards them, and I normally warm up to them to help them feel more relaxed. And since I’m literally the biggest nerd, they quiet ones are almost always nerds. That’s how I met Chris, who was really quiet at first. Turns out he’s even weirder than me (I didn’t know that was even possible) and he’s a great friend. 

I go back to my book, but I can’t seem to focus. There is something special about Dan Howell, but I can’t seem to place it. 

//

“So, are you feeling better today?” Louise asked as she poured some of the chemical into the beaker. I raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

“Well yesterday when you were in the park with us, you said you felt bad. Is everything ok? Does it have to do with your arm?” She said, rather concerned of the bandage on it.

“I was feeling a bit out of it, you know? I fell into a thorn bush on the way, and someone helped me bandage it” I said. I tried avoiding the topic of Dan since yesterday, since they seemed to not like him.

“Oh no! I hope you’re feeling better! Here, I’ll help you with that” Louise exclaimed. She carefully patted my arm and got back to the chemical mixture. She was always a caring person, and her motherly side always would show. I smiled as she took my beaker from my hand. Science wasn’t my best subject, but Louise understood that I did need some help. I was glad to be her best friend.

“By the way, I was hoping that heals fast. We have a party on Friday, and YOU have to attend!” She smiled.

“Please don’t”

“Yes!”

“But I-”

“You are going, Philip Michael Lester! Whether you like it or not!” She said with a stern voice. Setting down the beaker with a loud clink, she walked off as she wrote down the last of the chemical formula.

“But where?”

“Chris’ house” She said over her shoulder, walking out as the bell rang. I sling the backpack over my shoulder as the students around me start passing me. 

``Good luck for Theater :)``

My lips turn upwards into a smile, and for once, I can’t wait until theater is over. I tap my phone on my thigh while walking down the hallway, my eyes feel bright. Why am I so excited to see him today? That doesn’t seem to matter, as when I walk to theater it seems to go by so fast. Thankfully.

//

The door gives a small knock when I was preparing the leftover dinner my mom left for me, and I open the door. A rather well-dressed Dan was standing there, with a moth shirt that looks quite fancy and his nice looking white shoes crossing inwards. He smiles slightly as he walks in, showing his dimples that make me happy. Whenever someone has dimples, I admire them quite a lot. They make even the harshest faces seem warm, and in his case, make him look like a younger and happier version of himself. I smile back, because how can you not? 

“Hello, Dan” I greet him. He enters quite awkwardly, and looks around curiously. 

“I didn’t know you lived in a house” He says. I remember a lot of the students in our school live in apartments, and it isn’t that common for people to live in houses.

“My grandma bought this house a long time ago. I always live here with my whole family. Well, not all of my family, but my parents, grandparents and brother. So, six of us. But my grandparents can’t walk up the stairs anymore, so they live in a seniors home. But I don’t think you care too much about that. Here, let me take your jacket and I’ll show you to my room” I say, realizing my rambling. But he just smiles, handing me his jacket.

“It’s fine, really”

I walk him to my room, and he sets down his bag and looks around. He seems to spot something, as his face lights up. I look at what he spotted.

“Oh, you like anime?” I ask him. He heads to my manga and anime collection on my shelf. 

“Yes, it’s so interesting! So many genres, so many stories, how can you not like it?” He says in such a cheerful voice. He takes out one of the anime DVD’s, titled ‘Death Note’. 

“L looks like you, honestly” He snickers.

“Hey!”

“What? It’s true. The hair!” He points to the character, L’s, rather shaggy black hair. I laugh at the comparison.

“I suppose you’re right, Mr.Yagami” I say. He looks at the other character, Light. 

“You’re right. I am a psychopath killer, in Mario Kart” He comments. 

“You play Mario Kart?”

“Uh, yeah! Cool ass game! Do you have it?”

“Of course!” I reply. He bites his lip in excitement, and I pull out the Xbox from behind the small TV.

“I have two controllers, but this one doesn’t work as well. I’ll give you the better one” I say, showing the two controllers.

“No no, I’ll take the crappier one. I’m pretty good at Mario Kart, so I can catch up”

“Don’t test me on Mario Kart, Howell! This is my game!” 

“Alright, if you insist” He smirks.

We start the game, and I realize he’s actually really good. Even better than me!

“Ha, the one who says ‘This is my game’ loses, apparently” he says with a satisfied grin on his face.

“Oh come one, the kart was too fast for my controller!”

“Oh no! The game is too fast!” He says in a mocking tone. I push him away.

“You actual loser! You just got a good start” I grumble in defeat. I laughter rings out. 

“A good start? Says the one who slipped on a banana on the first 30 seconds of the game! You brought that one on yourself” He raises his eyebrows as he nods his head sarcastically.

“You’re so mean. I should have fallen in our neighbor's rose bushes instead” I grumble. 

“Fine. Round two”

And yet again, he wins.

“Oh come on! I was really trying this time! This game is rigged!” I say, throwing the controller on the bed as I sigh in defeat. I fall back on the bed.

“Third round?”

“No!” I shout. He giggles. Daniel Howell giggled. The thought of that made me laugh, and we were both lying on the bed, laughing like idiots.

The laughing starts to die down.

“We aren’t going to finish the English assignment, are we?”

“Probably not” I say as I heave myself up to play an anime. Finally deciding to watch ‘Free’, Dan got instantly addicted to it. So much so that we finished the first season. The familiar credits and song play one last time, and I notice how dark it is outside.

”What time is it?”

“Oh my God, It’s 10:34”

“My mom is going to kill me!” He exclaims, stumbling for his phone. It was on silent this whole time, and the buzz was drowned out by our laughter and ‘Total demolition’ when gaming. He got 11 texts by his mom, and 3 phone calls. You could see the pure panic and horror when he read them.

“I, I have to go”

“Wait! I can drive you if-”

“No, I drove by myself. Plus, I need to speak with her alone. Just… leave me alone for now, ok?” He said, quickly grabbing his bag and running downstairs. Once I chased after him, the door shut with a loud smack, and I knew something happened that he didn’t tell me. I stood there, wondering why his mood changed so quickly. I sit on the stairs, my head leaning on the railing post. What happened?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: talks about panic attacks and PTSD. If you are sensitive to these subjects, scroll down to the notes to get the summary to this chapter. It's short anyways.

~between us~

My hand reached for the door handle and it swung open. I take a deep breath and step inside, the rain around me stopping it’s loud rustle. The thunder seems to have quietened, but that doesn’t mean it was safe. My face fell as I saw darkness in the flat, and my hands start to look for the light switch.

No, I had to console her first.

As I lock all four locks on the door, I step into the living room quietly and set down my bag. Looking around, I try to spot a figure. A strike of lightning sends a shiver down my spine, and I clench my fist as I hear a small whimper. I walk towards the bedrooms, and I see a slouched figure beside my bed. It’s heaving shoulders fall up and down, and loud breaths can be heard from her. I walk carefully towards her, and rest my hand on her shoulder. She flinches at the sense of touch, and her quiet whispering and sobs start to calm down. I wrap my arms around her, and lay down beside her.

“Shh, It’ll be alright. I’m here” I calmly tell her. Her head slowly lifts up from fetal position, and the moonlight shines just enough to see her face. 

“You were g-gone” She stuttered, her fingers nervously tapping her knees. 

“But I’m here, and you’re safe, mum” I reassure her. I kiss the top of her head, and her breath releases. I rock her back and forth as we sit on the ground against my bed, ever so often reassure her that I’m there. After an hour or so, her breathing falls back into a rhythmical pattern, and she seems to have fallen asleep. Waiting a few minutes more, I decide to get up and see that on the other side of the bed, Squish was sitting there to make sure that she was alright. I gave him a small smile, as the dog sat there patiently. 

I walk to the kitchen, get a small treat for his good behavior, and a warm blanket from the sofa. I walk back to mum, toss the treat to Squish, drape the blanket over her shoulders and get nestled beside her.

“Goodnight, Mum”

//

The next day of seeing Phil and his hurt expression in English, I tried ignoring him to the best of my abilities. I didn’t want to answer him right now, because I know he’ll want to know why I got so upset yesterday. I don’t want to share my personal life to anyone, and Phil is no exception. Plus, he’s just being kind to repay me for helping him after the bush incident. Earlier that morning, I had to explain everything to mum, and she understood. She has my number under speed dial, just incase she has another attack again. Luckily, she seems to be fine that school day.

My mum has PTSD, a disorder where someone has attacks of panic or weirds distorted thoughts that they are in danger. On top of that, she suffers with depression and was a victim of domestic abuse. Thankfully we are safe from my biological father, but that doesn’t stop her panic attacks. I guess yesterday was too stressful for her, and she doesn’t feel safe during thunderstorms. I normally am there to comfort her, but I was at Phil’s house. So now there is a pit of regret and guilt in my stomach, and my hand is glued to the side of my pants just in case it ever buzzes.

“Daniel, must I ask you 3 times?” A voice pulls me out of daydreaming.

“Ask what?”

“Your assignment for your Geographic rock unit. Must I repeat myself so that you understand it better, Mr. Howell?” The teacher’s annoyance dripping with sarcasm. I shift slightly in my seat and pull out my assignment from my binder. She rips it out of my hand quite violently, and her face scrunched up in annoyance as she walks back to her desk.

She continues to talk, but I don’t pay attention to the lesson. Instead, I look outside and see the leaves drifting from the tree branches in almost a rhythmical pattern. It slowly falls down, it’s colours raining down as if it were a painting. The ground had it’s bright refreshing yellows, reds and oranges littering the path, one of the areas in Manchester where the trees are always beautiful. There were old homes here in the area, and the trees were over 100 years old. Despite their age, their strength and colours remained. I remember walking down the path guarded by trees for almost all of my life, and long walks home by myself. It wasn’t always lonely, I used to walk with the friends I knew. But some friends aren’t worth it, and can turn their back on you to keep their image. I sigh as I remember the memories of how much fun we had. In the elementary school down the road, we would always play cops and robbers or run after a ball. But sadly those days are over, and I didn’t have anyone to hang around with. Just the reputation of the tall and quiet type. Nobody speaks with me.

Nobody except Phil. 

My heart lights up slightly as I notice that I could gain a friend. Hopefully he is as kind to me as he is to everyone, and he doesn’t seem to just be making up for that time I helped him. I think he genuinely wants to get to know me. 

Ok, I’ll speak with him today.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> filler i suppose? I legit can't wait to write the next two chapters, they are going to be amazing! Anyways lets get on with it!

~Jump starting your car  
'cause this city's a bore~

I trace my binders stitches while looking up at the clock. I was in the library after school, waiting for my mom to pick me up. I normally would be finishing homework right now, but I can’t bring myself to. I was a bit worried when Dan was ignoring me today, so much so that I have been extremely quiet around Louise and the gang. I haven’t even noticed until she pointed it out, her motherly instincts kicking in. I remember just saying that I was just tired, but she saw through the lie. Luckily she knew when not to push it, so she just nodded her head and said that she understood. ANd maybe she does understand, maybe she has been in a situation similar to mine. I stop my train of thought when I realized the binder has pencil marks everywhere. I try erasing it, but fabric is kind of hard to erase.

“Want help with that?” A voice from beside me asks. I jump at the sudden voice, and I see a pair of brown eyes staring back at me.

“Oh, hi Dan” I greet him. My brain starts rocket firing questions I should ask him, but nothing comes out.

He responds with a small head nod and takes out his pencil case. In swift movements, he erases the pencil marks so that nothing is left behind.

“oh, thanks” I thank him, setting down my own eraser. He looks at his own eraser for a few seconds, his eyes searching the eraser as if it had all the answers to life. Then he speaks up.

“Phil, do you want to come over to my flat? For real? Just to hang out?” he asks. Not something I was expecting, but at least it was something.

“Sure, of course. I’m free today, so I can go straight to your house” I suggest. He gives a nod.

“Good idea”

We sit there for sometime, he seems unsure of himself, and I'm unsure if I should say anything about yesterday.

“I'll tell you everything there” he reassures me, as if reading my mind. He gets up and slings his bag over his shoulder, a quick smile and he was gone.

``Hey Phil`` I read as my phone lights up. It was Louise.

``Hey Louise``

``Turns out not many people are going to the party, so it’ll be a open sleepover. Bring anyone you want!``

Oh, that’s a bit of a surprise. Who would I invite?

`` OK, sure Louise. Idk who to bring tho``

`` you have two days to decide! Good luck!``

I sigh as I set down the phone. A sleepover? I haven’t been to one for so long. 5 years? Probably 6. Louise was actually the last person I had a sleepover with, but since we were getting older we couldn’t. I didn’t see anything wrong with it, because she’s my cousin and best friend. But that didn’t phase me, because we became closer than ever. Even high school didn’t seperate us.

Sounds like fun.

//

After asking my mom politely, she allowed me to go to Dan’s flat. And that’s an accomplishment, knowing how paranoid she can be sometimes. But she knows I need some other friends, and thankfully she didn’t question my rather jumpy attitude. Why was I jumpy? Maybe because of earning a friend. Does he even consider me a friend? I mean, we talk during English, and he helped me during the bush incident, but does he consider me his friend? I always consider people like him friends, but I wasn’t sure.

I was walking to the complex where Dan lives, and a thought stops me in my tracks. Dan, was actually really attractive. Like, nice to look at for so long. Why did no one like him? Because, I actually do. He’s tall, has brown eyes that almost have a caramel colour in the middle, and he has the cutest laugh…

Ok there Phil! You need to calm down there. He is JUST a friend, nothing else. Keep your hormones to yourself. I shake my head a bit to remove any thoughts before I enter his flat, and hope for the best.

I knock on his door gently, and a dog's bark can be heard, getting louder and louder until a loud thud could be heard at the door. After a few seconds some metal can be heard, which I presume are locks, and the door finally opens.

“Hey there Dan-” I try to greet him. But as I do he just pulls me in by the hem of my shirt and locks the four locks on the door (why four locks?). He motions for me to follow him, a finger on his lips to stay quiet. The dog stops its barking, and quietly sits down on the sofa and resting its head. I walk into the hallway area, and he looks around for something. After, he opens a door that leads to his room. I walk in and see a rather small room with posters and collections everywhere.

“Wow” I breathe as he closes the door behind him. 

“Not much, but I try to make the best out of it”

“no, this is actually such a nice room! You play Skyrim?” I ask him as I see his mini shrine.

“Yeah, I do. A bit of a gaming nerd…”

“You play crash bandicoot?” I ask with wide eyes as I see his game collection. 

“That’s-”

“And you have Silent Hill?”

“I suppose-”

“Wait, do you like horror?” I say in a serious tone as I turn to face him. He nods enthusiastically. 

“This is so cool!”

“Thanks” he says rather bashfully. He was such a nerd, yet he was almost, shy because of it?

“I would have never thought you were such a nerd!”

“Yeah, well you really like Buffy the Vampire Slayer!”

“Yeah, and?” I ask.

“Well, you also really like something” he says hesitantly. What was he saying?

“what are you on about?”

“You, you’re also really into something, so you can't make fun of me for it” he almost stutters, shifting his arms a bit.

“Why on earth would I make fun of something you liked?” I ask him. Why would anyone do that? Being excited or enthralled by something should be a good thing, because that gives us opinions! Why would he think it’s a bad thing? His eyes shift a bit, his gaze taking a particular interest in the ceiling. 

“I thought that’s what people do”

Someone made fun of him for what he liked, didn’t they?

“No! People's interests are so important! Sharing your interests is crucial, it’s how you make friends and get to know other people. Did you not know that?” 

“No”

“Well who ever says otherwise is uneducated. You have an awesome room, and you have vast knowledge of so many video games and animes. That's a positive thing about you! Here, we can play a game, or watch something, even talk about your favorite interests. What do you enjoy?”

And so we sit on his bunk bed with a black duvet, and sit there talking about everything we can.

“Phil, do you know why I left so quickly yesterday?”

“you couldn't stand my presence?” I say half heartedly.

“No! Its because my mom normally can't be alone, and the only person who she trusts is me. After my… father left, she was left in a critical state. She has PTSD, first caused by my father. So even though it was good that he left, it still left scars”

“Oh, i'm so sorry you went through that” I say sympathetically. 

“It's ok now though. She has gotten better, but during storms like yesterday, she needs someone to be there for her. That's why I left so quickly”

“Oh, I understand completely. You never have to explain yourself or apologize for something you can't control” I nod in understanding. 

“Thanks”.

We sit there and talk about everything appropriately possible. I never knew so much about someone, and in just one night! He explained some things with hints of disgust, so I tell him he can leave parts out. At one point he even pauses to wipe a tear from his eyes. This is around where he seemed most uncomfortable, and I sense too much trauma as he talks about PJ.

“It’s fine, Dan. I understand, somethings need to be kept private” I smile at him, a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Should I do that? It seems like the right environment, with fairy lights by his bed and the bunk bed just glowing enough to see his face. The room was rather dark as the sun went down, and it’s a comfortable peace. 

“Did you know I never been at a sleepover?” he speaks up again.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I just was never allowed. I guess that might be a reason why kids didn't like me”

“Or it’s because they didn't see your potential?”

“But they're kids, they can't see potential”

“Yes they can. I know potential when I see it, and you my friend have a lot of it. People are just too scared to talk to someone new”

“I suppose…”

“Do you remember when in kindergarten we would find friends in like 1 hour? You just walked up to them and you became friends? Well, it’s not like that anymore, because you have to walk up to them with a plan. And guess what? Starting tomorrow you'll do just that” 

“I can't just do that!” he exclaimed with a horrified look on his face.

“ok, cool down. Breathe. You don't have to be thrown right into the sea, I'll introduce you to my friends. It’s a bit easier and they are ones to immediately judge”

“says you. You have such charisma anyone can befriend you. Even someone who found you in a bush” he whines.

“Don’t worry, I'll be beside you the whole time”

He looks at me, and the horrified look disappears.

“Thank you, Phil”

“No problem, Dan”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh so much work for exams, projects due, but \i managed to squeeze in a new chapter! Might be a bit hectic, but a chapter nonetheless! enjoy!

~Buying e-cigarettes at the convenience store~

“I think Dan should join our sleepover” I blurt out. I was in Louise’s room, sitting on the bed while she was laying on her back on the floor, notebook propped up on her thighs.

“Dan? As in Dan Howell? The school’s biggest delinquent?”She asks, sitting up with a confused look on her face.

“He’s not a delinquent, he didn’t do anything wrong!”

“Remember the time he dealt drugs with the seniors a year ago? Or when he punched a teacher in the face?”

“Ok, that last one isn’t true”

“And how do you know?”

“Because, I spoke with him and he doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would do that”

“Oh come ON Phil! What has this boy done to you?” She almost grunts as she gets up. 

“What?”

“You defend him at any conversation, and he’s always on your mind. Do you fancy him or something?” She rolls her eyes. The silence that follows surprised her, and her mouth turns into an ‘O’ shape.

“OH MY GOD, YOU DO! I knew it, Phil Lester! You can’t hide anything from me!” She jumps up and down, her blonde curls flying to and fro.

“It’s not a crush or anything…”

“Philip Michael Lester” She breathes as she jumps down beside me on the bed. “I may be failing maths at the moment, but let me tell you I’m not stupid. A blind person can see through your lies!”

“Ok, it’s not that obvious” I say. Glancing at her face, I feel as if I told a lie.

“Is it?”

“Of course it’s obvious! The glances when walking through the hallways, the notes he passes to you or even the texts he sends when you’re in class. You had a full on texting session in Geography with him, and you missed everything the teacher said in class. But you smiled the whole time, and I sit behind you so I can see what you’re texting. Caspar actually thought you two were dating without telling us because he saw you two in the library and he had his hand on your arm. Wait, are you two dating?” she asks. Her eyes were wide and filled with excitement. Oh how I wish we were dating. That would be so much easier.

“First of all, why are you reading my texts? Secondly, why is Caspar stalking me? And lastly, no we are not dating”

“Ok, yes your texts are right in front of me I can’t help myself, Caspar was just dropping by, and that’s a bummer. You know you can just ask him out, right?”

“Uh, no. I can’t just ask him out” I say, giving her a weird look.

“Uh, yes you can! He friggin’ likes you! Can you not see that?” 

“No he doesn’t. I appreciate you trying to help me, but it’s best if you and Caspar stay out of this. It would never work out”

“Are you out of your mind? He likes you, anyone can see. He‘s just as oblivious as you! You just have to be more assertive!”

“He would never be into me”

“Why?’

“He had a girlfriend” I sigh.

“So?”

“He wouldn’t like me”

“Honey, sweetheart” Louise says calmly. “Orientation is fluid, and doesn’t seem to care what gender everyone is. He reacts to everyone with one emotion; anger. But not around you. He’s shy and smiles, and let me tell you, I never have seen that boy smile before. So let me tell you something Phil; He likes you. A lot. You may not see it now, but give it time” she nodded her head. I just rolled my eyes.

“Ok, sure”

But I never knew that Louise was going to be right.

//

At lunch, Dan and I decide to walk over to Louise, Caspar and Chris. It may be a good idea to warm him up to the gang, and can improve his social skills.

“I just don’t know what to say to them. I haven’t had friends in a long time”

“That’s fine, you just say things that are kind and make you seem positive and likable. Mention things you like to them, they are extreme nerds” I say, reassuring him as we walk up to their table. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right beside you”.

With a shaky breath, Dan croaks out a small ‘hi’. Everyone’s heads turn to him, and they grow silent. Caspar sucks in his breath slightly and has wide eyes, making him look a bit scared. Chris is sitting there, mouth open as he was in the process of eating his burger. Louise was shocked for a second, but remembered the conversation we had earlier. With a small nod towards me, she put a bright smile on her face and scooted over so that Dan can sit beside her.

“Hey Dan! Phil has told us all about you!” Louise beams at me, flashing her white teeth. Dan was slouched in a rather protective way, so I decide to side on the other side of him so that I’m there if he needs any help. 

“Really? T-that’s nice of him” He stutters slightly as he takes out his lunch. Caspar looks at me with a ‘What the hell’ look, but I ignore him. Caspar can be a too bit judgmental at first, and I want him to warm up to Dan instead of just assuming who he is. 

“So, Dan! How are your friends? Have they betrayed you lately?” Chris almost hisses at him. Louise gives a death glare at Chris’s direction, and turns back to Dan.

“I’m sure you have lovely friends, Dan” Louise smiles. 

“Actually, Chris is right” Dan mumbles just loud enough for the table to hear. 

“Oh. Um, Ok. It’s fine, disputes happen. Anyways, how is school coming along? Personally, I’m dreading finals. Math and English the same day? They must be bloody mad” Louise rants. But everyone at the table stays quiet.

“Wow, this is more awkward than the tension in Sherlock” Dan mutters. Chris’s eyes brighten up at the mention of his favourite show.

“You watch Sherlock?”

“Yeah, it’s an amazing adaptation of the novel series and has new parts added to it which are very cinematically interesting” Dan says rather casually. And that one sentence causes the fandoms to erupt from this nerd group.

“Tell me you ships Johnlock!”

“Of course”

“What about Doctor Who?”

“I wouldn’t be British if I didn’t!”

“The new doctor though” Louise chimes in. They start talking about how Capaldi is a great new actor for the 12th doctor, and everyone gives their educated opinions on it. I see Dan loosen up to them, and I see the small glint of happiness in his eyes again. There it is, the sign I was looking for. He trusts them enough to spend a night in the same house.

The bell rings, and everyone grabs their belongings to head to class. The march of feet can be heard, and I know how quickly Dan can disappear in crowds. I grab the sleeve of his jacket quickly, and pull him to the side.

“So Louise and I are planning a sleepover, and I was wondering since you seem to be just as much of a nerd as they, you can handle them for the night. Would you like to come?” I ask.

“Oh, a sleepover? Um, that does sound fun. I guess, I’ll see? Give me some time, I’ll think about it” He smiles as me as he waves and heads back to his next period. 

//

“Studying!” Dan shouts as he slams the math textbook down on my desk. I wheel my chair over and sigh. 

“This is so boring” I exclaim in defeat. My head hangs back as my arms go limp, tongue theatrically hanging out as a sign of defeat.

“Wow, you must have been killed by the math numbers. Why do we even need half of this? I don’t need to learn angles for the real world” He huffs. He falls back onto my bed, a sigh as he lets out a chuckle.

“School will be the end of us”

“Can’t argue with that. Want something to drink? We can give ourselves a break” I suggest as I get up to the kitchen downstairs.

“More like finish this whole thing. You don’t actually think this will be a small five minute break, right?”

“Of course not. I just wanted to sound more productive to be honest with you” I say. “Thanks for making me sound like an irresponsible person”.

“No problemo my pal, that’s exactly what I do best” He says, turned over on his stomach so that is face is in my duvet, and a small thumbs up.

“I can trust that”

“Don’t agree with my failure”

“But it isn’t a lie”

“Hey!”

I laugh as I run downstairs, making sure he didn’t follow. But he did as I reach the kitchen, and he grabs a glass for himself.

“You know, Louise, Caspar and Chris are so funny” He speaks up after we take sips from our soft drinks. I nod with a small chuckle. 

“Of course, they are the biggest weirdos out there, that’s why you fit in! I told you that you would get along easily” I explain.

“First of all, fight me. Second, the only thing that helped me break out of my shell is remembering what you said earlier, to be yourself. When you were at my flat on my bed, contemplating life, and when I saw you so involved with the things I liked, and you payed attention and actually CARED, that helped me remember that others can be the same way as well. So, I have you to thank” He smiles slightly as he looks at me, his charming scrunched up cheeks and eyes crinkling as he shows his white teeth. He was so happy, and he was thanking ME for it. Why?

“Thanks Dan, that really mean a lot! But you realized you did this all yourself? You walked up to them, you striked up the conversation about fandoms, it’s all you. So never doubt that anything wasn’t you, or that you haven’t done much. Because you have. Now, let’s go back upstairs so that my mom doesn’t walk in on a deep conversation” I say, ushering him to follow me upstairs. 

After about an hour of lying on the bed and sharing stories, I find out something interesting about him.

“Did you know I started a Youtube channel, but I haven’t uploaded any Youtube channels?” He mentions.

“Really? I have a Youtube channel too! I posted a few videos, though” I reply, wondering why he got a channel in the first place.

“We should post together!”

“We should!” And with that, we make an agreement to film videos together. That makes me pretty happy. 

Thank you, Dan Howell.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh anyways im writing the REALLY important chapter ahead of time to lead up to the big finale and not gonna lie, I cried a bit. ANyways, enjoy!

~Making new clichés on our own little tour~

Phil and I met up as often as we could, a smile always gracing his lips as he saw me. I stopped skipping English so that I could see him there, and I suppose I feel better in a way. Phil has definitely helped with my English. He loves it so much, I just never assumed that from him. His work so far that I have seen is so well worded he could be a full-time author! He just never believes that it’s good, and always puts himself down. If only he saw how amazing he actually is!

“Ticket booth is now open” a voice shrilled through the hallway. The drama kids who ran the booth all had fake smiles on their faces, and just were so animated it was impossible to be sane and act the way they do. I rolled my eyes as I went up to the booth, money playing around in my hand as I wait for them to stop talking. The girl eyed me for a second, a slight fear in her eyes, but quickly replaced it with her fake smile.

“£5 please” she smiled in my direction, flashing her braces at me as I hand her the money. She gives me the ticket, the word ‘Cinderella’ printed in nice lettering peaked out from my fingers, and I gave a small nod before she actually started talking to me.

“So, you’re going to see the show? Didn’t know you liked drama” the girl spoke up. I was ready to leave, but Phil’s voice echoed in my head, to be more kind to people so that I’m more likeable. I used all the acting skills I could muster up from year 5 ‘Wizard of Oz’ and I smiled back.

“Ha, I’m seeing my friend perform there actually”

“Oh really? Who? Is it Cat? Jenny? Or maybe-”

“Phil. His name is Phil, and I plan on seeing his show” I interrupt her non-stop talking, and I was so ready to shut her up. I was a bit in a bad mood today anyways, so she needs to calm her tits before she thinks she can just blab on with people she doesn’t know.

“Phil? Oh he is an amazing actor! You know, you’d think he is more of a quiet guy, but he’s so funny! And handsome, if I do say so myself…” She trails on. Ok, this chicka needs to skidoo the frick from here. For some reason her remark gets me really upset. I have had enough of her.

“Yeah, yeah. Listen, tell him anything about me buying the ticket, and you won’t be able to talk as much as you do right now. So quiet before you open your mouth to him. By the way, that handsome man is taken, so you need to back up” I say in a harsh tone. I stride back to my locker, not caring who is staring at me.

Wait.

Did I just say he was taken?

My face seemed to have burned up as I feel a blush coming on, and I hide from anyone’s sight. Why did I say that? Why do I get so easily jealous?

//

“No, no. In step like this” I explained, showing Phil the right dance choreography to the Cinderella play. I knew the extras needed a bit of help for they had more challenging steps than the actual main characters. I knew that just letting him mirror me wouldn’t do any good, so we danced together as partners. Just dance partners, nothing more. Ha.

He was a clumsy person, so he fumbled with his feet and tripped over mine over 10 times, but the important thing is he’s improving. 

“Nice” I say as he starts leading. As he heard my comment, he stood up straighter and with more confidence. ‘Wow’ I thought as he took my breath away. I’m more aware of his hand on my waist, and my hand in his feels more sweaty. I looked at his eyes, and thought of a sarcastic remark to break the tension. But my mouth couldn’t open, it stayed clamped, and like that we both glanced at each other occasionally and made sure to not trip. 

I want to tell him.

Now.

Now. 

Now.

N-

“Alright, that wasn’t so bad!” He exclaimed as the music ended. I stood there, a bit dumbfounded, nodding to whatever he says next.

“I just… feel like a big dopey giraffe learning to walk. I don’t think I’ll perfect the dance until the show” He pouted slightly. 

“Of course you will, Phil! You can do anything, and you danced very well. It’s amazing” I smiled. He smiled back.

“Thanks, Dan. I suppose you’re right. Well, kinda” He walked over his phone with the playlist and collapsed onto the bed.

“Break?”

“Yes please” He nodded with an emphasis on the ‘please’. I chuckled and walk out to the kitchen. Mom wasn’t home, so I had the flat to myself. I sighed a bit as I see the usual rain outside. What a rainy atmosphere. I grab a plate with 4 donuts and two cans of coke. I try to balance everything so it doesn’t fall, and to my luck I made it to my room without incident. 

“So” He started, cross-legged on my bed and munching on a donut. “Who are you going to prom with?”

I choked on my coke and had to cough it out. After having a near-death experience, I just give him my biggest bitch-face.

“Ok, so you’re not going with anyone”

“Not planning to” I reassured him. “What, are you?”

“I was planning to” He answered. Oh no. He likes someone. I swallow the drink and set it down quietly. I tried to not look disappointed, as if he were to stay with me during prom here in my room, we’d confess everything, get married and we’d live happily ever after. 

“With whom?” I croaked. He shrugged slightly.

“Um, Cat?” He said. My blood seemed to stop in my veins, and I immediately feel how cold my hands are. 

“Oh”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a short chapter, but I'm writing the other parts to it, so in a few chapters it'll get detailed and stuff. Also I don't have exams anymore, so I'm free to write more! Woo hoo!

~Let’s ride~

Why did I say that? I panicked, it’s not even close to true. Cat is a friend. She even has a boyfriend! I just panicked because I wanted to say, ‘you’. Why do I have to deal with this? I bit my lip as I saw his face fall slightly. Why did it fall? Was it something about Cat?

Wait.

He might like Cat.

“You know, she might not even like me so…” I commented, trying to not seem too upset. I was the one who says “likes” his crush after all. 

“Yes, she will like you! You’re so funny and she likes hanging out with you. I just didn’t know that you liked Cat” He coughed. Oh no! He seems so sad! I felt so bad, as I don’t even like her. But what am I going to say? ‘Oh yeah, I was actually lying because I caught myself last second because I was going to say you’. What have I brought upon myself. Ugh.

“Ha, yeah. I guess” I just wanted to change the subject.

“So, the sleepover? Is it next week?” He reads my mind as he speaks up.

“Yeah, it is. You coming with?”

“I was thinking, and I don’t know yet. I mean, I barely know the people there”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there” I smile. He chuckles.

“Thanks, that’s reassuring”

“Well, I have been your friend for like two months” I add as I take a sip. 

After some deciding, we plan to arrive at Louise’s house Friday at 6. If we're there early, we can get to know everyone and he’ll feel more comfortable. Besides, I want to talk with everyone normally! This is our last year in high school, might as well make it the best one. 

When waving goodbye, I walk back home and replay the talk through my head. I lied to him just to cover up another lie. I was just so scared to confront him, and I might have even hurt his crush on Cat. I felt so guilty. I just need someone to talk to.

Louise.

``hey Louise! Can I come over? I need help`` I text, trying to not sound desperate. But Louise could recognize an emergency text when she sees one, and replies seconds later.

``of course! Back door is open`` she answers. I walk the 15 minute stroll to her house, and walk right upstairs. As I trudge into her room, seeing her concerned face makes the waterworks flow.

Before I know it, we are both sitting on the floor, my head resting on her shoulder as sobs come out. She pets my hair in a rhythmic tone, her sweet scent calming me. She nods as I rant to her, pausing between sobs to catch my breath. After some debating on whether or not I should act on the situation, she sits up straight and looks at me.

“What do I do, Louise? I can’t just”, I pause as I take a shaky breath. “P-pretend”.

“Do you like Dan?”.

I nod.

“Then from what I hear, Dan needs your friendship. If he likes Cat or not, we need to make sure that he stays friends with you. You two are a wreck without each other. Look at you! You obviously need him!” she explains. I sniffle, my glasses falling off my nose from the tears. “So, do something you two would enjoy”.

“Do you think he would abandon me?”

“Phil, he is your good friend. He wouldn’t just abandon you! You two are conjoined by the hip, always together. He would bare leaving you” She smiles. She pats down my hair and a reassuring hug.

“Please be safe, Phil. You mean a lot to him, so always remember that”.

And with Louise’s blessing, I plan out what to do.


	10. Chapter 10

~you don’t have to say I love you~

My room looks empty after Phil leaves, and I feel hollow. When he left, he took a small part of me.

He likes Cat.

Not me.

Those words toss around my head, scraping at my mind as I turn about in my bed. I lost any type of tiredness, and I just want to stop. He likes girls, not broken guys like me. A sigh escapes my chest, and I wish all my emotions could leave just like that breath.

Just as those words turn about, I hear a tapping on my window. 

Wait, I’m on the third floor.

I whip my head to the window's direction, and I see a pale face peer back.

“Phil!” I whisper loudly. I scramble out of bed and open the slide. His glasses shine from the street lights, a pitch black darkness in the night mixing with his raven hair.

“Wanna get some ice cream?” 

“Are you insane?” I ask. His smile has a sort of mischief to it, and I know I probably shouldn’t ask. 

We both climb out, the old vine fence barely supporting our weight. We walk to the small store, its unusual store times not ceasing to amaze me. We were both quite silent, and I was glad we didn’t leave on an awkward note.

I liked the ice cream here, as it was creamy and had unique flavors. We walk into the store and look at the flavours. I pick a flavour quickly, as I've been here often enough to have a few favourites. But Phil seemed to have trouble picking.

"Are you buying something or...?" I ask him. I flash a smile at the cashier to let her know we are actually going to buy something. She looked tired anyways, so I don't expect her to be concerned about the store.

"Take your time" She waved her hand as she pulled out her phone and played some type of game on it.

"Yes, just one second" He says, looking at the ice cream intently. 

"It's just ice cream, not an algebra equation"

"I know, just..." He then seems to make up his mind as his eyes light up.

"This one" I say for him, pointing at the strawberry and chocolate ice cream.

"No problem" The cashier says, scooping out our flavours.

We pay for the cones and walk out onto the parking lot. I kick the loose pebbles on the ground as we walk, wondering what made him think he should come back. I was sure he didn't want to talk to me after we practiced the dance, but here he was, walking with me in the middle of the night for ice cream. I look around and see the lot was quite empty, and the warm spring night sure gave me a nice feeling. We sat on the curb, both licking our ice creams as we look up to the sky. I see the stars quite clearly tonight, despite how much it rained today.

“The stars are amazing tonight” he comments, reading my mind.

“They sure are”.

We lick the ice cream rather silently, our eyes not daring to look at the other. I decide to peek a glance, and see him studying a rock on the ground.

“What’s so interesting over there?”

“Nothing, just looking around”

“What, you think that rocks are so interesting?”

“I think the stars are more interesting” He says, glancing up. I look up as well, see the shining specks littering the sky.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I think stars are important. Because, well, no matter what’s happening in your life, no matter what you did, the stars are always there” He comments in almost a whisper.

“How do you find them so fascinating?”

“Sometimes you can get lost when you look at them. They all just shine, and they took many light years to get here. It took so long for the light to travel through the universe just to reach the atmosphere, and close enough for the human eye to see it. I don’t know, but just that thought itself is comforting” He shrugs. I lick my ice cream in thought.

“Here, just stare at them. The bad thoughts just seem to melt away for a few minutes” He whispers. I do as he says, staring at the stars. My mind was really busy at first, but then the glimmer seems to calm me. I take in a breath, and exhale. All I feel is the presence of Phil. It is calming. I glance back to look at him. His small smile seems to melt me, and I smile back.

“You’re so weird. But it did work” I admit.

“Of course it did. I always works” He replies. He rests his head on my shoulder, and for once there isn’t an awkward silence. It’s just peaceful. 

“Bear”.

“What?”

“Your nickname. It should be Bear” He explains.

“Why?”. 

“It fits you. Because you’re warm and a kind person. Kinda like Winnie the Pooh”.

“I used to love Winnie the Pooh” I say.

“Well then, that settles it. You’re going to be called Bear” He exclaims. His voice sounds tired, and after finishing my ice cream, I hear a slight snore coming from him. I decide to help walk him home, and we slowly do. Thankfully he has his keys, as I’m not too sure he would be able to climb back into his house when he’s so sleepy.

“Goodbye and thank you, Bear” He waves with a yawn. Oh my, that was adorable.

Get a hold of yourself, Dan.

He closes the door and I walk home, hands in pockets. I wasn’t that far, and past a few streets I reach the flat. I scramble up the vine fence and manage to get inside without hurting myself. The sun started to peak as I settle back into bed, and my mind whirled with the conversation we had by the ice cream shop.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha! I haven't updated this for almost 2 months! I'm so sorry, vacation was busy and very fun. But, as promised, I have the new chapter. I split it into 3 parts, as I find this part of the story is much longer than one chapter, but should be just its own chapter. So I made it into 3 parts, but it will still be the same chapter, that's why the lyrics won't appear in the next two 'chapters'. Ok, let's a-go!

_**~Forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons~** _

__

“Phil? Phil!” Louise yelled, waving her hand infront of my face. I snap out of my daydream as her eyes pierce with fury.

 

“Did you hear what I even said? You're just staring off into space” she remarks. I wasn't listening, I admit that. I was busy thinking about that night 2 weeks ago. Dan was so happy when we ate ice cream together, and I just wish he didn't have a crush on Cat. My face fell as I remembered that.

 

“Oh sweetie, are you ok?” Louise asks, her face changing from annoyance to concerned in 0.5 seconds.

 

“Yeah, I'm fine” I reassure her. Louise continues munching on her sandwich but her eyes don't seem to trust me.

 

“Ok, well as I was saying. I was thinking of inviting PJ over for the sleepover” she suggests.

 

I spit out my water and cough it out.

 

“What?!”

 

“That was a bit melodramatic, Phil”

 

“You can't invite PJ! He’ll like, kill half of us in our sleep. I can't be with him at a party, let alone a vulnerable sleepover!”

 

“I just think that he deserves a second chance. Plus, he seems like he misses Chris and the gang. Even Dan” she explains. 

 

“But he won't even want to come” I reason.

 

“Well then, if he doesn't want to come he won't. There is no trouble with it” she gives me a stern look that tells me she already won. There is no turning back. I'll have to accept the new leech. I sip my iced tea furiously and stare into the distance like a moody teenager. Ok, well I am one, but you know what I mean.

 

I normally am someone who tries not to judge someone by their cover, but PJ was very rude the last time I spoke to him. He made fun of Louise, and that drew the line for me. I never knew I had so much anger in me until I actually yelled at him. I guess it took him in surprise, because he stepped back for a second. PJ was one of my best friends and I felt like I could trust him, but he changed a lot. I felt like it wasn’t him, that wasn’t the real PJ talking. No, this was a guy who was brainwashed by teens from broken families who don’t know what’s good for themselves. Ever since he started hanging out with those kind of kids, but he did. Since then, he stopped talking to us. One day, Louise tried to talk to him, help him.

 

**_“Peej, you seem so distant. Please, tell me what’s wrong”_ **

 

But he yelled back, and said such things I never thought he would even think. Yet there he was, on the brink of tears, yelling at Louise and calling her one of the meanest things I’ve heard.

 

**_“How dare you accuse me of doing drugs, Louise? Why do you care? Piss off, you’re always in my way! Get a goddamn life!”_ **

 

I immediately tried to stop it, but when I heard one sentence, about how Louise looked, that crossed the line. I exploded, my face feeling hot as I yelled at him to get out. He wasn’t welcome with us anymore, and that was final.

 

**_“PJ what the actual shit! How can you even call Louise that?! What happened to you? Leave my house! NOW!”_ **

 

So he took his bag and left, not even looking back. But the real PJ was screaming apologise, begging to stay. He was there, even if not in physical form. I knew that wasn’t the real PJ; the real PJ was gone now.

 

“So, are you going to order or…?” Louise asked. I look up to see the waitress at our table, tapping her pen in impatience. 

 

“Oh, um… I’ll take the Elvis burger and a side of chips. Coke with some ice, please” I order. The waitress nods and takes our menus in a huff, her ponytail flying to and fro as she walks away. 

 

“Well, you’re distracted today” Louise comments. I nod.

 

“I’m just thinking, that’s all”

 

“You’re always thinking, Phil”

 

“I-I know” I respond. I blink a few more times than usual, realizing that she’s right. This whole party thing has been planned for months, and something always got in the way. An appointment here, a detention there. It changed from a house party to a sleepover for close friends. But it was finally happening, something to get our minds off of exams. I wasn’t too sure how Dan would feel about it, but he seems alright with it. I hope it goes well. I take in a deep breath and exhale, my mind busy with how things might go bad. Louise senses it, and puts her hand on my arm.

 

“It’ll be alright” She looks into my eyes.

 

“Thank you”

 

//

 

My pillow was propped under my arm, and my small suitcase dragged behind me. My mum was driving away, her smile and a little wave appeared through the dark window, and she drove off. My phone was in my pocket just incase she needed me, and I felt jittery. I never have actually been to a sleepover. I stood in front of Phil’s house, which seemed a bit big now that I had to conquer the fear of socializing with other humans. My spine shivered, and I realized the autumn air was getting colder. I didn’t exactly know if the shiver was from the cold, or the thought of socializing. A deep breath, I take a step forward and knock on Phil’s door. I tried to calm down my nerves, and when I saw Phil’s bright face and almost sun-like smile, I felt almost instantly better. Phil is the one I feel ok being beside, and I realize that I might have to talk just with him to whole time. Oh no.

 

“Dan, you made it! Great! You’re early, but that’s good. We can set up some stuff and make sure that we have everything, and we have a few surprises planned for tonight” Phil said in an excited tone, and an attempt at a wink as he finishes his sentence. 

 

“Right, Ok” I chuckle as he laughs along with me.

 

I step in, the afternoon sun started to set close to an evening sun. It was already 5:30 pm, so the sun usually started setting at around 6:30. My bags were dropped off at the door, and I saw three faces peer back. I inhale quickly, and Phil squeezes my shoulder in reassurance. I straighten up a bit and walk forward into the face of death that is before me.

 

Do it for Phil.

 

Do it for Phil.

 

Do it for Phil.

 

With a grimace on my face, I’m welcomed by the stiff ‘Hello’s’ that greet me. I’m new, the odd one out. They don’t know me, they only know I’m friends with Phil. They only know the shady boy who acts weird in school. I’m the kid that glares at them in school, but now I’m a vulnerable mess. I’m expecting a sneer, a mean laugh. But they’re all just sitting there with awkward smiles. They know I’m uncomfortable, and to be honest they are too. I force a smile when I hear Phil’s voice. At least he’s here. His eyes shift from person to person as he tries to distract everyone by telling an awful story that he already told me. Honestly, even though it’s such a bad pun at the end and it makes me want to shove a pillow in his face and just die in the corner, it’s so warming seeing him tell the story.

 

“And so I walk up to Minton, and I tell him, ‘BadMinton!’” He says, his arms outstretched slightly to show enthusiasm. Louise snorts, Chris does an exaggerated slow clap, and Caspar leaves the room. 

 

“Wow, what a hilarious joke. I wonder where you got it from” A voice says from behind us. At the door frame of the living room, stands a tall dark figure. PJ. Immediately rage fills my body, and if it weren’t for Phil greeting him I was ready to give him a good whack to the nose.

 

“Hey, PJ” Phil greets him with a grimace. Phil knows what PJ is capable of, so I’m sure it wasn’t Phil’s decision. My eyes fall on Louise, and I see her bright smile.

 

“PJ! I’m so glad you made it. We still have a few more people coming, so you aren’t late. How’s it going?” She asks him cheerily. His eyes seem almost scared, not the brooding look I’m used to. After all, I’ve only known PJ for a few months. I guess his mask of mean was the same as mine; just a show. Caspar came back with a glass of Sprite, and his eyes widen as he sees PJ. He slowly sips his drink as he sits down on the couch. Chris looks at Phil with the most betrayed look I’ve ever seen. I wasn’t sure if the face was a joke or not, but after seeing Louise trying to distract everyone, I’m sure Chris doesn’t have good history with PJ. PJ drops his bag on the floor just like I did, and he almost threw himself on the couch. Louise seemed the most calm out of all of us, so she speaks to him casually. Caspar looked like he was out of place, and I was sure he didn’t know PJ well except the stories that the others told. 

 

“Well, I’m feeling fine, if that means anything to anybody” PJ finally answers after Louise’s monologue.

 

“Of course” Phil says. His face looks a bit uncomfortable, but I know he’s doing this for someone.

 

“It’s good that we’re all feeling fine. I’m sure we’re all going to like tonight” Louise nods. Her smile seems to soften, but I know she’s still scared. Everyone one is scared of everyone, and all I want to do is leave them behind and just hang out with Phil. Just be with him. He’s the only reason I’m here.

 

“Why the shit are you here?” Chris asks PJ impatiently. That kind of takes me off guard, as I know Chris doesn’t get mad at people. He’s usually sarcastic, and even though he’s battling some issues in his life, he’s overall a fun guy. But now he’s serious. He’s hurt. That’s the look on his face.

 

“Louise asked me to be here” PJ barks back.

 

“Oh really? After what you said to her? After what you said about us?” He says louder. His voice was weak, and I knew what he meant about the ‘us’. He wanted to say ‘me’. He was hurt. He’s still hurt. And I know exactly how he feels.

 

“Louise asked me to be here” PJ repeats himself. Chris gets up now, determination radiating off him. 

 

“Then why are you here?!”

 

PJ takes a deep breath. He freaking knew this was going to happen, what did he expect? I wanted answers as well. What’s gotten into him?

 

“I’ve made a mistake, that’s why”

 

“Yeah, no shit”

 

“Listen, chris, I came here to apologize. I know what I did was wrong. I just wanted to apologize”

 

“Why aren’t you apologizing then?”

 

“I didn’t-”

 

“Apologize! Or are you too scared? Too scared to admit?”

 

Chris is yelling now, and I’m glad that Phil’s mom left us alone for the night. She would walk into some weird angsty teen drama.

 

“I’m not scared-”

 

“Then apologize for that! And admit it!”

 

“Admit what?” PJ asks weakly. His shoulders shook slightly, one of his nervous tics. I only saw that tic once, and it was when his mom threw him out of the house. 

 

Chris smirked, seeming impressed that he made PJ upset.

 

“Do you really want me to say you’re dirty secret?” 

 

PJ’s eyes widen and a rage fills the air again. 

 

“NO! You can’t say-”

 

“PJ had a crush on me!” Chris yells, and PJ pushes him back. His walk is angry, and he starts yelling while Phil and I try to hold him back.

 

“You actual little…! I never… That’s a lie!! I never did!” PJ tries to defend himself while also trying to swing at Chris. Chris was leaning against the wall as we pull PJ back to the couch. Louise is helping us calm PJ down, while Chris walks up right into his face.

 

“You know, I was your best friend. It was a shame you had to go all insane when you got confused. And you let it out on Louise? To think I even trusted you” He walks back to his spot on the long curved couch. He let it out on Louise? How? But Chris’s proclamation actually makes so much sense now. PJ was always so defensive when the guys joked about him checking out someone other than a girl. PJ always yelled slurs at people he hated, and he did that unspeakable Facebook thing. My face turns into a frown as I remember that.

 

“Well, we’re making progress” Louise sighs as the room gets quiet.

 

“Yeah” Caspar speaks up. I look over at Phil, and he looks back with a small nod of reassurance. 

 

“PJ, did you really-” Phil asks. PJ interrupts him quickly.

 

“No, I didn’t” PJ says loudly. 

 

“He did. I found out after he was a bit tipsy at the house party a year ago. I don’t know what happened exactly after that, but he got angry and defensive the next day. I tried to explain that it’s ok if he likes who he likes, but he didn’t seem exactly happy about who he is. I suspect it’s because of his parents. But alas, what can I do? He went rogue afterwards and met the fellas that turned him into exactly what he never liked. Then there were two PJ’s, and the real PJ was killed. His body is not found, and this PJ is sitting right in front of us. I guess you can say he changed” Chris concludes. PJ stays silent, his eyes fixed on the floorboards.

 

“Is that true?” Louise asks. We all look at PJ, and after what seems hours he answers.

 

“Listen, I’m sorry I was such a shit friend. I freaked out and I honestly don’t know what got into me, I just guess I was scared. Louise, I’m so sorry for the words I called you. You are an amazing woman and I never meant any of them, I just used the words they used to call you and that I knew you were vulnerable to. You were my friend since grade school, so I want to apologize sincerely. 

 

Phil, I’m sorry for being completely rude and making fun of you and Louise. I’m sorry for the time I pushed you into the trash can, as I know that was all my fault. And I’m sorry for hurting what I know is most important to you; your friends and family. I knew you would always defend Louise as she’s your younger cousin, so I used her as a weakness. I’m so sorry.

 

Dan, I’m sorry for legit bullying you into being my friend. I always made you feel left out, and I’m sorry that I made the other guys treat you terribly. Also, I’m sorry for letting those guys post that horrible thing online, it got completely out of hand, and I know I should never use such personal stuff against anyone” PJ apologizes, the last one really surprising me. I never knew that he actually was sorry about me. Another thing I was glad about was he didn’t describe the post;I wasn’t ready to confront that yet. I look around the room as everyone nods in understanding about his apology. Everyone except Chris.

 

“Chris” PJ says, turning to look at him. “I’m sorry I made it sound like it was all your fault. It was a dumb crush and I know I should never overreact about such a small thing. I could have normally explained what I was going through, but I was scared. I’m sorry I ruined our friendship, and as I sat in my room and thought about everything that happened this past year, I messed up. I don’t expect you to be my best friend again, but please try to forgive me”.

 

Chris sat there, and for once he looked shocked.

 

“Oh, well, PJ. I didn’t know you realized what we’ve been through” he tried to act casual. But you can tell he wanted to replace the ‘we’ to ‘I’. He sat there across PJ, and the rest of us knew that they probably needed to sort this out themselves. I look over at Phil and motion him to follow me. Louise and Caspar leave as well, and Chris gives one small nod towards me as I take one last glance. I swiftly curve past the living room and we all sit down around the big kitchen island. We all sat silently as we heard murmurs from the living room. Caspar grabs more Sprite and downs it. I bet he wished it was alcohol, and honestly I wished the same.

 

“Do you think PJ is sincere?” Phil asks. 

 

“I mean, he looked very sorry for what he did. And I do know PJ well, so I know when he’s being honest. He did drop those guys, he wasn’t around them for the past few days. I heard one of them, Greg, completely run him off in math. I felt sorry for him, so I asked him to come over. He kind of looked shocked that I even was talking to him, and he was so shy talking to me. It was weird knowing that just a few years ago we used to watch movies and laugh at our secrets during late nights. He was so happy then, I don’t even know what happened” Louise voiced. 

 

My finger traces the wood counter as I sit deep in thought. Would PJ be sorry for what he did to me? I mean, he did change drastically, and he seems sorry to the others. He was even kind enough to not give detail about the Facebook post. 

 

“Honestly, I think he may have just overreacted and it got into a misunderstanding. He is going through some stuff, so a freak out may have been bottled up emotions” Caspar suggests. We all nod in agreement. 

 

After some more awkward conversations, Cat and Hazel arrive just in time. When we explained what exactly was happening, they both sat down beside us with the same wide eyes. Cat knew about a lot of the trouble PJ went through, so she understood when we said they both need some time alone. Hazel on the other hand was only really friends with Louise and Cat. She sat there, confused and probably wanting to run away. Honestly I understand her completely, as this mess of a group was definitely problematic. After a few minutes, Chris and PJ walked out and both had smiles on their faces. And for the first time, I see PJ genuinely smile. There are no smirks or sarcastic laughs. It's pure and warm. I smile back, and after seeing how calm he is and how much at ease both him and Chris speak, I know they made up. A stumble of words between Phil and I, and I realize he wants everyone to group together.

"What's up?" I say loudly to Phil so everyone reverts their attention to him. As expected, everyone turns their head to him. A small nod of thanks to my direction, and  he starts explaining what he has planned for the evening. His small voice is clear, and he projects what he thinks we might enjoy. He explains that we have some pool  games in the basement, and he gets excited as he explains what the surprise is.

“And, Louise and I rented out motorcycles for everyone”.


	12. Chapter 12

Part II

 

“And, Louise and I rented out motorcycles for everyone”.

 

Caspar has wide eyes and immediately nudges (more like shoves) Joe in the ribs.

 

"Oi, mate" Joe complains as he rubs his side.

 

"We get to ride motorcycles?" Caspar asks, as if Phil was joking about it. Phil is happy to see so much interest in his plans, as he stands a bit taller, probably 

more confident.

 

"Yes, we get to ride motorcycles. We don’t have many though, so we need to pair up" Phil explains. Louise counts us and sees there's an odd number.

 

"Oh I'll stay behind. I definitely won't be riding a motorcycle" Hazel suggests, her arms folded as she slouches slightly. The fear in her eyes seem to convince Phil, 

and he nods in understanding. I only now realize her Irish accent, lacing around the word motorcycle. I always liked Irish accents, so I just wanted her to say 

motorcycle again.

 

"You won't be riding it?" I ask again, hoping to get more words out of her mouth.

 

"No, definitely not. I can drive a car, but I draw the line at motorcycle" She huffs. I try to hide a smile as I hear her accent, and nod to show I understood. I never make fun of accents, but they're so cute! Immediately my mind wonders to the first time Cat transferred to our school, she asked me for directions to class. I still wasn't really liked by people, so I might have been slightly rude to her. But the second she hears my accent, she squeals.

 

**_"What?"_ ** I asked, annoyed that she acted to weird around me.

 

**_"I'm sorry, it's just, you sound so posh"_ ** she would say, her smile almost bursting. Her white teeth shine, and I felt ready to knock them out.

 

**_"Well, you can't go saying people sound posh, so get used to it before someone knocks you out"_ ** I say bitterly. Now I wouldn't be mean to her, but then I was bitter, and I definitely didn't take a shining to someone who mentioned the way I look or talk.

 

Louise snaps me back to reality as they start heading out the door, and I note that I should probably not pay attention to accents. After all, I know how annoying it can be.

 

Phil pats my shoulder as the others partner up. 

 

“You want to sit in the back?” He asks while everyone starts heading out the door.

 

“I don’t know if I can trust you with driving. I can’t even trust you with a shopping cart, let alone a motorcycle” I affirm. His eyes roll and he huffs.

 

“Really?”

 

“Uh, yeah. I don’t even know if you have enough balance…” 

 

“Dan, I have a motorcycle license” Phil rendered. My eyebrows go up in surprise as he grabs the helmet.

 

“You… you can drive a motorcycle?” I ask as if I didn’t hear it correctly.

 

“What, you don’t think that my innocent personality will be tainted? You don’t think I can be a bad boy, Dan?” He states smoothly as he puts on the sleek helmet, and I have to stop my face from blushing. Ok, that was kind of hot. I don’t know why, but that makes me jittery around him. He actually can drive a motorcycle. Yeah, that’s attractive. I stopped caring what my mind thinks about him anymore, because why even stop anymore? He can’t hear what I’m thinking. There is just me that hears it, and there is no point denying it. I just have to sit back and let it happen.

 

“Of course, but um” I cough so that he doesn’t see that I’m flustered. “Since when could you drive a motorcycle?”

 

“Last summer me and Louise took lessons. Her father is an instructor and offered us some lessons. Soon we got our license and we could use his old motorcycles” He explained as if it was obvious. They didn’t seem like the type to ride motorcycles, but maybe because there is that biker stereotype that I never quite got out of my head. 

 

Caspar and Joe took one bike, PJ and Chris a bike, and Louise and Cat take a bike. We plan out where to ride them, just so no one gets in trouble. We decide to drive to and around the park, and PJ and Chris can’t stop laughing at their own jokes they have to wait a minute before they can even start the motorcycle. I want to roll my eyes because of their immaturity, but I remember that this is the first time they even speak in months. I let it slide.

 

“Well, let's go. Is your helmet ok?” Phil asks as he turns to me. I nod, as it’s hard to speak in such a tight space. He nods back with a smile and turns back to the handles. He starts the motor and immediately my heart jumps. 

 

“Hold on to me!” He shouts in between the loud growls from the motor. I don’t know where to hold, but I decide to wrap my arms on his middle. My breath seems to hitch, but before I can even say anything, we shoot past everyone.

 

“Phil!” I shout, obviously shaking from the speed. He actually hears me, and he shouts back a ‘sorry!’ as he slows down. The others decide to split up, and I see how badass Louise looks. She’s usually the mom friend; cutsie and always making sure that everyone is safe. But now I see how scary she can be. The motor roars as she speeds past us and we get to the part of the street we’re it’s a type of round-a-bout. Chris and PJ turn into a street close to us, and the others decide to ride around the park. Phil instead turns onto a dead end street and a trail following it. But as we drove closer, I noticed the alleyway in between two buildings that drives off to another smaller street. I didn’t expect it, but Phil seems to know the place very well. He slowed down as he turned left onto the small street. It curved as the ancient buildings seemed to clutter around the thin road. The cobblestone street made the ride more bumpy, but it didn’t seem to matter much. 

 

“So, how do you like the ride so far?” Phil asked as we were driving at a slow pace. My hands shuffled around his middle, and I didn’t know if he was okay with this. But he didn’t glare, he didn’t seem uncomfortable at all. He actually looked content. 

 

“It’s definitely thrilling” I respond. He looks back at me and smiles with a hint of mischief. Oh no.

 

“Well, hold on then, Dan” He declares. The motor roars, bouncing off the crowded buildings as he speeds up quickly. The wind around me quickens its pace, licking around my uncovered ears. The adrenaline rushes through me as we speed past the alleyways. The buildings are just a blur now, an occasional bright door catches my eye. A voice shouts past us, probably female. 

 

“You crazy teenagers! I swear-” The voice shrieks and curses. Phil just laughs, his rebellious side showing through the ‘clean-cut student’ that he portrays. He’s so… free. He’s so carefree right now, and being himself. And I love it.

 

My head instinctively rests on his shoulders, and I close my eyes. It’s the closest thing. His breathing  hitches for a second, and relaxes. He turns onto a street that has a few private shops. The streetlights start turning on, and I look up at the stormy sky, threatening to spill. But I know it won’t; not today. 

 

Phil slows down, and slowly reaching a halt at an abandon building. He kicks out the stand as we step off, and my whole body still shaking from the rush as I take off the helmet. He doesn’t say anything, but I know where to go. A metal staircase on the side of the building rusts away, decaying away soon to be gone without a trace. But it’s still sturdy for us, and we walk up quickly and jump up to the edge of the roof. He holds out his hand to pull me up with him, and we both settle down on the roof. The sun was completely gone now, and the sky was turning into an indigo colour.

 

“Why don’t you ever be yourself like this?” I break the silence. He bites his lip in thought.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe because I’m scared of what others might think?” He utters.

 

“Then, why around me?”

 

“Because I’m comfortable around you. I feel like you know me completely, you know?”

 

“Are you saying we’re…” I take in a theatrical breath, “Best friends?” I whisper. He laughs and pushes my shoulder.

 

“So dramatic. Yes, of course we’re best friends. Where were you for the past few months?” He asks. I chuckle and my head lowers as I pick at the thread on my jeans.

 

“Can you believe that we’re almost adults?” I ask him quietly, still picking at the thread. 

 

“It’s so weird. If feels like I’m still a 12 year old playing with nerf guns. Sorry, I take that back. My mum never allowed me to play nerf guns because they promoted violence. I played either at a friend’s house at Louise’s house. My aunt was less strict” He chortled. 

 

“Are finally planning to get a driver’s license? I mean, you can already drive a  _ motorcycle _ , I’m pretty sure you can drive a car” I imply. 

 

“Yeah, I think I should learn over the summer. Probably when I have more time” He nods. 

 

“Hell yes” I say enthusiastically. We sit there both looking at the sky.

 

“Look, the stars are out. You’re favorite thing” I point out.

 

“Ah yes, my friends have greeted me again” he says in a posh voice. I look at him with a smile.

 

“Why yes, they will now parade us with a light show to impress their king” I copy.

 

“Who may their king be, Sir Daniel?” He asks quizzically. 

 

“You, King Philip. Not only are they your friends, but your loyal subjects”

 

“What amazing news, sir” He says, his hand theatrically clutching his chest. We both burst out into laughter, even so much as wheezing.

 

“That didn’t even make sense!” He squeaked, gasping for air.

 

“I know, our humour is trashy” I agree. We sit there as we catch our breaths, legs swinging from the edge.

 

“If only the school saw how kind you are” Phil whispered. I look up at him, and I feel sad. I feel sad that he’s right. I, too, put on a persona so that no one ever contacts me. But he did the same for the exact opposite reason, he wanted people to like him, even if he didn’t like them. 

 

“I would be bullied a lot. I feel like they know I’m vulnerable”.

 

“You wouldn’t. Some people are dicks, but not everyone will. You’re better than them, Dan” Phil muttered. 

 

“I’d like to think that” I sigh. His smile of reassurance appears for the 100th time today, and I’m glad I can see it. 

 

“I think we should head back, the others are probably waiting” He tilts his head to the motorcycle below. I get up, following him as we carefully jump down to the ground by the help of the rusty stairs.


	13. Chapter 13

Louise and Cat sat outside of the house on the porch, both holding cups in their hands while chatting away. Louise sees us drive up to the driveway, and her smile welcomes us again.

 

“You’re back! I thought you two would run away and elope together” Louise chuckles.

 

“Ha, no alas we are back. You still have to deal with me” Phil answers, ruffling her hair as he walks up to them.

 

“Hey!” She grumbles as she fixes her hair. Cat laughs, and Phil starts chatting up a conversation with her as I take off my helmet. Louise glanced over at me, and she almost looked… sorry. I only realized that I might have looked a bit weary, and I never meant to. Phil is allowed to have friends other than me. After all, he has a crush on her. I knew that Louise knew he liked her, but she knew something else. I saw her eyes when she saw me away from Phil. She was sad. But when Phil was by my side, she looked happy. She looked at me as if I was her family too. And maybe I felt as if she was my family. She knew something, but kept it to herself. And it killed me to know what.

 

“Hey Dan, Phil set up a really cool game in the living room. I bet he’d like to show you what it’s called?” She suggested as she headed towards the door.

 

Phil seems to nothing but whip his head to our direction as he hears about his game. His smile almost rips from excitement, and he runs up the steps to burst into the hallway. We follow behind, and I realize that I was holding my breath, so I release it to regulate my breathing again. The others are lounging around, Chris seems to be telling a story so intriguing that Hazel and PJ are wheezing with laughter. Hazel is slapping the couch as she’s crouching from weakness, and PJ is holding his stomach as a silent wheeze can be heard, which I assume is him trying to breathe again. Caspar and Joe are using their soda caps as shot glass and shouting “SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS” while downing their soda. Honestly, this is them in a nutshell, and it seems nice to have these kinds of friends; a bit random, yet they fit. 

 

“Ok everyone, we’re playing Phil’s game” Louise announces. Everyone gets excited and abandon their earlier conversations. Phil sets out some laminated cards that everyone would get. Everyone settles down, and Phil clears his throat. 

 

“I call this the 7 second challenge, or game, whatever really. Most of you played this 2 years ago, but some of you didn’t so I’ll explain what it is. So, everyone gets like 5 cards, and you can’t show it to anyone. I have a stopwatch, and you pick someone in the group to challenge. You ask them to do something in 7 seconds - hence the name - and you judge if they did it correctly. We tally up the scores, and who gets the most points wins” He concludes. A few ‘Yes’s’ we’re heard, and it’s weird that he never played this with me before. It sounds pretty exciting.

 

“Is there a prize?” Caspar asks.

 

“Winner gets to sleep in the master bedroom” Phil announces. Everyone ‘oohs’ in excitement. If anyone has ever been in the master bedroom, they’d never want to leave. It’s control panel beside the bed changes lights, music and revolves the bookcase to a minibar. It’s amazing, and spending the whole night in there? That’s luxury.

 

“I’m in, mate” Joe slaps the coffee table. 

 

3 chips bowls and a 12-pack of fizzy drinks later, everyone is intensely into the game.

 

“Cat, name 4 different types of cats in 7 seconds” Caspar blurts. Cat stiffens up and almost swings her hands to focus. 

 

“Um, Tabby, Calico, Munchkin…” She almost hums in anger. 

 

“Times up!” 

 

“Ugh!”

 

“That’s kinda funny that you, Cat, couldn’t name 4 breeds of cat” Joe laughs. Cat shrugs and downs the rest of her can.

 

“Ok, my turn!” Phil exclaims. He looks around the circle, and his eye catches on me.

 

“Dan, name 7 elements of the periodic table in 7 seconds” 

 

“Oh! I know this!” I jump up to my feet. Phil laughs while the others give confused looks.

 

“Ohhh, Barium, Boron, Carbon, Nitrogen, oxygen, fluorine, and Neon!” I felt breathless. Everyone stood shocked and Phil almost doubles over from laughing.

 

“What was that?” Louise asks with a confused smile.

 

“It’s the song Phil helped me make up for my science exam. He chose the card because of me, I guess” I smile shyly as I sit back down awkwardly. 

 

“I always die from the high note at the end” Phil manages to say after catching his breath.

 

“Thanks Phil, I feel much better” I say sarcastically. Louise giggles.

 

“Thanks for that performance, I will cherish it forever and possibly use it as well” Chris says.

 

Some more bickering later, and we’re laughing again from someone’s impressions of a goose and PJ trying to balance 3 pillows on his head unsuccessfully. 

 

“Ok, the cards are done, we have to tally up the points” Phil announces. Everyone gives their sheet of paper with their score and patiently (maybe less than patiently) waited for the declared winner.

 

“The winner is… Dan!”

 

“Of course he wins, those two are inseparable” Hazel retorts. She sips her drink almost angrily. I realize that some people are starting to get buzzed from some of the alcohol we decided to drink, but I haven’t even tried to drink because I don’t want to be sick at Phil’s house. 

 

“Lucky” Cat drags out the vowel as she drops beside Louise and lays her head on her shoulder. I felt like Louise was being awfully kind to take care of everyone tonight, and I almost felt bad for her.

 

After some debating on boredom, we decided to just relax and do whatever anyone wanted to do. I suggest some online quizzes, and the girls get excited.

 

“Oh, ok we have to pull up some good ones” Louise says as she pulls her laptop up and the others huddle around her. We find some decent ones and start listing questions off. After a quiz or two, the others pull me into it.

 

“What greek god are you, Dan?” Louise reads the title and presses start. Some unreasonable questions are read out, like ``What’s your favourite colour?`` or ``what is your favourite passtime?``. I rolled my eyes at them, but the results shocked me.

 

“You’re Aphrodite, the goddess of love” Louise reads off. “You’re joyous and optimistic, a flirt to those you find attractive and can mystify anyone. Her main lover is Adonis, whom she is almost transfixed by. He helps build her reputation and she has to fight for him, but their bond was strong. He was later killed in a hunting accident, and in her sorrow filled state, sprinkled his blood with nectar which later turned into the Adonis river. Her whole life was then in a state of sadness, and she couldn’t compose herself”.

 

“Oh, that’s great” I say with a nervous chuckle. Why do they take this so seriously? I only suggested this for fun. I look over at Phil, but his gaze on me falls and he quickly turns his head away. Why did he always have to be so ominous?

 

 I excuse myself to the kitchen and I hear footsteps following me, so I turn around to see Phil’s figure is the dimly lit kitchen light. I open the cupboard to find a can of something and he follows my actions. I try to ignore the obvious mirroring of actions and I lean against the counter sipping some of the weird off brand soda. His eyes flickered over to meet mine. The kitchen was empty, and laughter was heard from the living room. The sound was drowned out, and I felt quiet again. I felt non-existent, and I just wanted to be gone. Yet at the same time I wanted to be loud, and shout from the top of my lungs everything I thought. But I just stood there, eyes locked with his. They weren’t just blue. They seemed to have a tint of green too, maybe a hint of yellow. It was an amazing mixture of colour. The dark circles under his eyes showed how little sleep he’s been getting, and it worried me.

 

His eyes didn’t rip away from mine. It’s like they were telling me something he couldn’t say out loud. They were shouting, loud and powerful. Phil is usually quiet, but his eyes spoke a different story.

 

“Opia” He spoke up. 

 

“What?”

 

“That intensity. That’s called opia. The ambiguous intensity of eye contact. You could tell I was trying to tell you something, right?” He commented, eyes still on me.

 

“Uh, yeah. I could” I stammered. I didn’t know what to say. That was a bit random. I broke my eyes away from his gaze, and I left the kitchen. He stayed behind, his eyes still on me as I walked to the living room.

 

“We should watch a movie!” Joe suggests. Everyone looks up at him.

 

“What movie would we watch?”

 

“I don’t know, something that’s on Netflix, I would suppose” Joe shrugs. Everyone seems to agree silently, so we decide to go to the master bedroom and watch on the almost movie theater size screen. As everyone walks upstairs, I look back to see where Phil has gone. I trail over to the kitchen and see him leaning against the cabinet. He didn’t move from there since I left, and I didn’t understand why. 

 

“Phil, are you coming to join us?” I ask him quietly. He looks up as if he hasn’t heard me there, and inhales deeply. 

 

“Uh, yeah. I’ll be there” he half-smiled at me. The can in his hand was still being rotated in some kind of hope of realizing an answer. I walk over calmly and gently take it out of his hand. I notice the dents in the can, and this takes me back a little. Phil wouldn’t dent it out of anger, would he? He’s not usually an angry guy.

 

“Hey, you Ok?” I ask him quietly again, but this time gently. I look into his eyes so that he knows I’m concerned.

 

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine” He tries to reassure me as he shakes his head slightly, as if weirded out that I asked him that.

 

“Alright, let’s go then” I nod towards the stairs. We walk upstairs to the master bedroom and see everyone settling in front of the large screen. Most of them brought their pillows and blankets and made a sort of fort that looks very comfortable. Or, maybe it looks comfortable just because I’m kind of tired. Either way, I take my pillow and settle down beside Phil. Joe has obviously picked the movie, and honestly I’m not surprised by his selection. 

 

“Fast and furious is great, guys. Honestly, it’s amazing” He tries to convince us, as if we were going to change our mind. Caspar was just as excited as Joe, as he and Joe are basically the same person, minus the height difference.

 

As the characters in the movie start racing to the death, Vin Diesel’s character makes some kind of cool turn that in real life would be physically impossible. I can’t really pay attention to the movie though, as my eyes start drooping. I try my hardest to stay awake, but my eyes refuse to stay open. Eh, I’ll just close my eyes and nap for a while. No one will notice. I let my eyes close and rest my chin on my chest. The noise starts drowning out, and I decide to position myself to be more comfortable. I lean more to my left to expect my pillow to be there, but it’s something else. I don’t know what it is, but my basically asleep state could care less where I’m sleeping. The pillow moves rhythmically, and it almost lulls me to sleep. It’s warm and smells nice, so I fall right asleep.

 

~Phil: “what? What is he doing?” I think to myself. I look down and see that he fell asleep on me. I look at the others, but they’re intently watching the movie. I look back down and watch him sleeping peacefully. He moves in closer, wrapping his arms instinctively around me. I don’t stop him. This is the only time this can happen. I close my eyes as well, only hearing the others leaving as the movie ends.~

 

My eyes flutter open when the door makes a sound. I look over but it looks like the movie finished and the others left. Hm. I spot my pillow on the other side of me though. I think hard on how it ended up there, but I realize what I’ve been sleeping on. I turn my head to look at me “pillow”. It was Phil. I was sleeping on Phil, my arms wrapped around his waist. My immediate reaction was to move out of the way, and I suppose this startled him, as he woke up with a confused look on his face.

 

“Wha… What happened?” He asked in a groggy voice. He rubbed his eyes as he looked at me, waiting for an answer as for why I woke him up.

 

“Um, I’m sorry, I was, um…” I stumbled, unsure of how to explain what happened. I scrambled up and retrieved my pillow, unsure of where to go now. 

 

“It’s all good, I’ll push my blankets here so you have enough room” he explains in a sleepy state. He shifts his position to move his blanket over. He then rests his head back down, obviously tired. I lie myself back down beside him, but space this time. I turn my head away, just in case. The clock reads 9:45 am, so it’s too early to wake up. Might as well sleep a bit. So, I doze off a little.

 

 

~Phil: I sit quietly in the dark, Dan's breath rising and falling as the seconds pass. 

 

“Dan? Are you awake?”

 

“Yeah” 

 

“So, um, how's it going?” I ask. He shuffled his blankets and faced me.

 

“Really?” he raises an eyebrow.

 

“Well, how's your first sleepover?”

 

“Just splendid” he says sarcastically. I nod.

 

“Yeah, it was a bit of a wreck today” I chuckle. 

 

“Sorry for, uh, invading your personal space when I slept earlier” he apologizes. 

 

“It's totally fine, you were sleeping” 

 

And I wish you were awake.

 

“Ha, yeah. It's like sleepwalking or something” 

 

“Totally” I force a smile. 

 

I wish you were awake.

 

I wish you were awake.

 

I wish you were-

 

“Wheew, I hate my curly hair” he says as he tries to smoothen his hair on his head. It snaps me out of my inner argument and I think of something to reply.

 

“No, it’s nice! You know, I've seen that hair before…” I try to think of where I remember his curly locks. Where did I see it before…

 

I remember that photo from facebook and it quickly flashes through my mind.

 

“Wait, it was that Facebook photo” I say. He stiffens up as he hears that sentence, and his eyes were filled with panic. 

 

“What?”

 

“That Facebook photo you were tagged in, remember?” I say, not understanding why he seemed so shocked.

 

Then I remembered the caption.

 

“Oh, wait… they called you a-”

 

“Yes Phil, I remember” He interrupts my question. His eyes weren’t looking at me, they were glued to the floor, now sitting up in his sleeping bag. 

 

“Why did they call you that?” I ask. I didn’t understand why they were so mean to him. He was such a kind guy, why did they leave him?

 

Dan seems to tense up.

 

“Phil, why the shit do you even care? Why do you want to know about something so personal! It happened! Shut up about it!” He shouts, getting up and walking out the room. I get up to follow him, I want to set things right again. 

 

“Dan, I didn’t mean-”

 

“Of course you didn’t, Phil. You never ‘mean’ to. But you always somehow mess up, huh?” He snaps back. I stand in the hallway in shock, the doors from the others’ rooms opening. 

 

“Dan…”

 

“Phil, just stop. I knew you were going to be like this”

 

“What’s going on?” Louise asks as she exits her room. My eyes feel like they’re burning, and all I want to do is take it all back. I want to grab Dan and say sorry over a thousand times. But instead I stand there like a silent statue, not being able to move. His brown eyes which were once the most beautiful colour and always looked at me with joy, now glared at me. They seemed distant and unwelcoming.

 

“Nothing” he growls. “He’s just a dick”

 

“Oh, so I’M the dick now?” I shout back. “You’re the one who didn’t explain a simple question! You’re the one who overreacted!”

 

“Oh sorry, am I the one who stalked some dude’s facebook and called me out on it? Am I the creepy one here? Staring at me weirdly in the kitchen and acting so weird today?” he raises his voice. Everyone in the house was awake now, and they all stood by their doorways.

 

“You know what? You can just screw yourself, Dan Howell. Find Cat and tell her you love her, I don't even know. Screw off” I shout. I take my bag and walk out, down the stairs and outside. I hear Louise’s voice call me, her panic rising as she sees me drive away on the rented motorcycle through the window. I give one last glance back, and I see his eyes by the doorway. They aren't angry anymore. They’re just… empty. I crank the handle and I’m off, driving down the road and out of Dan Howell’s sight.

 

All I have now is the musical this evening, and I wonder how the thing I waited weeks for, now doesn’t seem to matter comparing how much this hurts me. A tear forms in my eye, and I quickly wipe it away as I turn on my street, and I distract myself trying to remember the lines I have.~

 

\--

 

I’m pacing back and forth, my breath short as I locked myself in the master bedroom. Louise and Caspar gave up pounding on the door, and I’m left alone to my own thoughts. Why did I have to be so… emotional? I hate being emotional, tears always form when I’m angry, and it just makes me more vulnerable. I hate it.

 

But Phil wouldn’t hate it.

 

I shake my head as I think what to do next. Do I run?

 

“Dan” I hear from the other side of the door. It’s PJ.

 

“What?” I try to shout, but my voice has gone hoarse. It cracked and I hear a sigh from the other side.

 

“Just open up, Dan” He says quietly. I don’t know if he means to open the door or to tell him everything, but after about a minute of thinking about it, I get up slowly and turn the knob. His tired eyes look back as he was leaning against the frame. Louise, Caspar, Chris, Cat, Joe and Hazel were behind him, looking worried. 

 

“We need to tell you something” he sighs. Louise is the first to walk in, leading me to the spare bed and sitting me.

 

“You didn’t need to get all upset about Phil” Louise calmly tells me.

 

“Really? And why is that?” I sniff, my heart still pounding.

 

“He was just trying to help” Caspar chimes in. I look at him, expecting him to make a joke, but he was serious. His usual grin wasn’t there, but instead was replaced with worry.

 

“But he would have…” I trail off, not wanting to think of his reaction if I told him.

 

“Plus, he likes you, Cat” I say, pointing at her. Her eyes go wide and she bursts into laughter.

 

“Dan? Are you oblivious or something?” She remarks. I raise an eyebrow and everyone smiles at me, a few chuckles here and there.

 

“What?”

 

“Phil told us he likes you a lot. He liked you even before the bush incident” Chris explains. They all nod as my mouth opens in shock.

 

“But… he said he wanted at ask Cat to prom” I say, confused to what they just told me.

 

“He panicked then. He was really sad for sometime because he thought you liked Cat” Louise says. “He told me every detail, saying how much he wishes you were his”

 

“You two look at each other so fondly it takes everything in my willpower to not lock you two in a room alone to sort things out”

 

“To be honest you two blush so much in our presence it’s unbelievable”

 

“You two flirt like there is no tomorrow. I’m surprised you haven’t thrown yourselves at each other”

 

“And plus, I have a boyfriend” Cat concludes to the sea of evidence everyone provides. I look back at everyone as they have grins on their faces.

 

“So, are you finally gonna set things right?” PJ asks hopefully.

 

“I… didn’t know about all of this”

 

“Dan, you don’t seem to notice a lot” Louise pats my head.

 

My face seemed to smile so much my cheeks hurt. Phil Lester likes me! And I didn’t even know the whole time! My world seems to be so much clearer. The compliments, the slightly suggestive jokes, the pet name. Both of us were expecting the other to make a move, but we were both so scared.

 

“I have to find Phil” I say, the smile still on my lips. Everyone high fives each other and Chris whispers to PJ something along the lines “You owe me £3”.

 

We all whip out our phones, calling everyone Phil knows to find his location. I ring Phil, my heart racing again. I swear I’ll have a heart attack by the end of the day. But my optimism fades as his voicemail comes on, and everyone seems to have disappointed looks as they all text or call people they know.

 

The next few hours were bad, as the day went by we didn’t know what to do. Everyone was sat at the long dinner table, all looking tired.

 

“We can try hacking into his GPS” Chris suggests. 

 

“We don’t know how to hack” Caspar sighs.

 

“Oh yeah”

 

“Does anyone know where he could be?”

 

“He couldn't really run away, this is his house. Plus his mum said he didn't call about leaving” Cat speaks up.

 

I put my hand in my pocket instinctively, my foot tapping the floor in thought. My hand plays with a piece of paper in my pocket, my fingers smoothing around the edges. As my mind trails off, I then wonder what the paper is. I take it out and see the word Cinderella printed out with show times.

 

Oh my God, Phil is doing the musical tonight!

 

“Guys!” I jump up from my seat, my hand gripping the ticket tightly as if it might disappear. Louise flinches and Caspar almost falls over from the sudden outburst, but I know it will be worth it.

 

“What the hell?”

 

“Phil is doing the musical tonight! He’s playing in Cinderella!” I exclaim, waving the ticket in front of their faces. 

 

“Phil’s in a musical?”

 

“He never said anything about that”

 

“What?” I ask them, puzzled that he hasn’t told them he plays in a musical.

 

“Mate, we legit don’t know what you’re talking about” Chris responds. My sight jumps from person to person, and they all give some kind of gesture of agreement. My mouth seems to open again, and I close it with confusion.

 

“Oh. I guess he didn’t tell you” I manage to say.

 

“No, he doesn’t say many things about his personal thoughts and activities” Louise explains. That confuses me as I know that Phil and Louise are not only best friends, but also cousins. My mind spins as I pull off the jacket. Everything in the room is spinning, and I hear some of them murmur questions to each other.

 

“Dan, you should probably go then. It’s close to the show” PJ suggests. Everyone nods in agreement, and someone slaps my back in support. They all lead me to the door, all suggesting things that I could say to Phil.

 

“But he’ll hate me now” I explain myself. 

 

“Phil is very quick to forgive, and for you, he probably misses you and has already forgiven you”

 

“Yeah, Phil is head-over-heels in love with you” Caspar says as the others nod. Louise gives me a suit jacket while Cat start fixing my hair. 

 

“You need to look presentable” Louise almost whispers to me as she smoothes my jacket. Everyone is bustling around me, their suggestions feeding my mind about how Phil will react, and some are already planning our wedding dates.

 

“Guys, it’s not that-” 

 

“Yes, it is. Here, wear this” Louise hands me the earrings I used to wear. I left them at his house one time, and I guess he kept them this whole time. I was hesitant, but I take them and quickly put them in my ears. Everyone is pushing me at the door, and I take a quick glance at the time.

 

4:19 pm.

 

“Shit” I whisper under my breath. Louise seems to understand what I’m talking about, and she held my hand before I walk out the door.

 

“Listen, Dan” She says. I look at her, and just now I realize our height difference. She’s much smaller than me, but she still somehow gives that mother-like feeling. 

 

“You’ll do great. If I know Phil, and I do, he likes you a lot. You’ve known each other for almost two years now, and he is so much more comfortable when you’re around. He’ll want you around, trust me” She smiles, her eyes scrunching up and her mouth a small smile in reassurance.

 

“Thank you so much, Louise” I say, my voice getting caught as the emotion washes over me. 

 

“Run now and you’ll make it to the show. Go get him” Louise taps me on the back and I run like the wind.

 

I run to the school, my bag jumping around as I try to not rip the suit from running too much. That’s was probably the most I ran since the time I was late for my music lessons. 

 

I open the doors to the theatre and I stop to catch my breath. The show started, but thankfully just 10 minutes in. I find an empty seat on the side, and slide in quickly to not interrupt anything. Cinderella was visited by the fairy godmother and a song later, she’s off to the ball. I look around as the extras run around, hoping to catch a glimpse of raven hair in the storm of dresses and suits. Feeling a bit disappointed that I couldn’t see him, I slumped back in my seat as I knew I couldn’t find him at this point. I had to sit through another singing sequence and some sappy love confessions from two people who just met. I sometimes wish it was that easy, to just say you were in love. A tear started forming in my eye, and I knew I couldn’t just leave. I wiped the tear away and knew that I had to stay strong. Just as Cinderella walks in, I hear a familiar voice. Singing. I look up and see Phil in a gold suit and his hair push out of the way into a quiff. He didn’t have his glasses on (which disappointed me) and looked so… beautiful. I couldn’t believe that he was the prince in this play, and I felt sad that he didn’t tell me. Well, I didn’t tell him I was coming either, but he could have at least told me his part! 

 

My thoughts were interrupted as his singing voice solo came on, and it was so good. He had a deep voice when he sang, and though he missed a few notes, his voice was amazing. I stared at him as he sang the beautiful lyrics and danced with Cinderella. I felt jealous that she was dancing with him. I remember how it felt in his arms and I miss it. I just want to be with him again. I want to tell him everything once and for all.

 

“In the arms of my love, I'm flying,

over mountain and meadow and glen. 

And I like it so well

that for all I can tell 

I may never come down again.

I may never come down to earth again” He sang. They twirled and laughed, and I look down to see my fist was clenched. I was ready to push this girl right off stage.

 

As they both confess how beautiful they look, Phil seems to have glanced my way. His eyes lock on mine, and he seemed to have forgotten what to say to her. But he quickly recovered by dancing back in step with her. I remembered how it felt to dance with him. His hand on my waist, his eyes smiling, and a genuine peace. He kept glancing at me every 30 seconds or so, as if not sure if it was me. I have to look away as he kisses Cinderella. I couldn’t stay there any longer. As I get up and was ready to leave, I hear a faint ‘Stay’. I don’t know if he said it or not, but as he says his next line, I feel that it was him. I turn around to face him. I don’t feel sure that it was even scripted.

 

“I want to say, even though we are still young, I feel as if i’ve known you forever. I feel safe around you, and I’m so lucky to have met you. I like you, a lot. And I want to spend my whole life with you, Bear” He looks straight at me, a smile on his lips as the dancers and extras start singing “10 minutes ago”. I couldn’t believe what he just said. I stared at him, his eyes still on me as he dances with her off stage. He said Bear, that couldn’t have been scripted! Did he really mean what he said?

 

As the show ends and the whole cast bows, I quickly get out of my seat and run towards the back stage. I push my way to the dressing rooms, but he isn’t there. I look around frantically, and a female voice calls me.

 

“Hey! What happened?” It was Cat. She must have just arrived to see if we’re ok. She looked concerned as she saw my panicked face. I felt bad not telling her, but I had to find Phil.

 

 I dash out of the dressing rooms into the school halls. He couldn’t have gone far. I hear quick paced footsteps by the doorways, and a hinge creak as the footsteps seem to muffle. I quicken towards the sound, unsure if it’s him. I turn the corner and burst out the door into the fall air, I see him walking with a flower in one hand and his dress shoes in the other. 

 

“Phil!” I yell. He turns around, his face a bit shocked to hear me.

 

I start into a sprint towards him. He walks towards me, and sees my arms outstretched. He opens his arms and I collide into him, we spin around a bit from the impact, my face buried in his shoulder and he chuckles.

 

“I didn’t know you bought a ticket! Why are you here?” He asked as I look at his face.

 

“Because of this” I smash my lips into his, his breath seems to have stopped as he makes a surprised noise. He wraps his arms around me, leaning into the kiss. The kiss was sloppy, breathless, but God it was amazing. It was perfect. I felt a smile as I kissed him, and I realized that he waited to tell me just as I long as I waited. My world felt complete, it felt happy again. I don't have to lie about anything anymore because he had the same secret as I.

~phil: This is perfect~

 We break apart, and I feel as if I want to continue, to tell him everything. But I know we can’t stand there together.

 

“I need to catch up with a lot” 

 

“You do indeed”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH happy new year everyone! I'm so sorry this chapter took so long, I had things and I felt as if I couldn't do it. But alas I am here. Last chapter is almost done, and I can promise you it'll be done by the middle of January. I still have exams i need to study for, so please be kind on me. Anyways, here it is! Also I proof-read this when I was tired so i made some mistakes in spelling. I apologize in advance.

**_~We've been making shades of purple out of red and blue~_ **

 

It took some time, but after a month I explained everything properly. The slur I was called on Facebook was an incident that I tried to avoid, and I had to explain that I got drunk and some guys that I thought were kind turned out to hate me. One of them in particular were very rude to me, but at the time I didn’t seem to notice. He got me drunk and I thought he might actually like me. I was questioning what I identify as, so I was quite secretive about being with anyone. I guess being drunk makes me very submissive, as I actually thought I may have a chance with him. Turns out he wanted to expose me as being ‘gay’, and he faked liking me. That’s where the photo came in; he snapped a photo of me when I was most vulnerable, and with his friends he posted it on every social media. 

 

Thankfully, Phil was very understanding and told me we don’t have to show our relationship if I didn’t want to. But being with Phil felt comfortable, and I trusted him. Yes, at first it was a bit weird for me. When we walked down the street together and his fingers mindlessly found mine, I ripped back in immediate fear, but I knew that there is nothing to worry about. Yeah some kids snickered at first, but I’m sure Caspar and Louise scared them out of their smirks and nothing seemed wrong.

 

The next few months were smooth, and Phil was calmer about everything. He decided to tell the gang more about what he did instead of hiding his passion for drama, and I felt happier. Because this man in front of me is the man who helped me with so much. He helped me come out of that social anxiety shell and into the real world. It felt nice for my hand to fit perfectly into his, and that I didn't have to hide my blush when he did something cute. It felt nice to be open with everything, and just  _ breathe _ .

 

Phil and I decided to have a picnic (I know, cheesy) on the hill behind the flat where I live . It was the evening and the sun was going down. It was the end of the first year of sixth form and  decided that a celebration from surviving exams was a good idea. It was a time to catch up with everything again, and I thought the nice sandwiches were a good touch to a calm conversation. 

 

“Cucumber sandwiches?” he asked as I layed down the blanket and gave him the basket.

 

“Yeah, pretty British isn't it?” 

 

“You're a walking stereotype, Dan. Soon you'll have a top hat and a mustache while sipping tea” he snorted. I laugh along.

 

“Well, what can I say? I'm a pleaser” I smile, walking up to him and wrapping my arms around his waist. A small peck on the lips made him smile, and he pulled me closer. His lips lingered for a moment, my lips itching to feel his. My eyes were closed and I expected a kiss, but after a few seconds I saw his humorous face trying not to crack up laughing.

 

“What a tease” I retort as I push him away playfully.

 

“Ha, someone has to be” he says as he winks. He walks up to the abandoned picnic basket and picked out some fruit he nibbled on an apple as I tried to open the thermos, obviously struggling (note the word ‘tried’).

 

“You need help?”

 

“No, I can do it myself”

 

“Ok, sure”

 

But I did need help, I just didn't want to seem weak. I try twisting it back and forth with all my might, and Phil watched with a smirk on his face. 

 

“You're gonna spill that”

 

“Suck my ass” I spit back. He laughs as he throws the apple core away. He takes out a book from his bag and lays down lazily, turning the pages as I still struggle with the lid. 

 

Then, it happens in slow motion. The lid pops off, catching me off guard. The soup contents go airborne, flying out from the thermos and right onto Phil. My leg gets some of it too, but Phil’s yelp averts my attention. 

 

“Oh shit” he whispers, getting up quickly. I see the steam rise from his shirt, and I realize how hot the soup actually was. My leg burns, but I know that's nothing compared to what Phil goes through. I quickly follow him, my brain not knowing what to do as he drops his soaking book. I grab the napkins and try my best to soak up the soup, but it doesn't help much.

 

“Phil, I'm so sorry…” I panic, trying to comfort him. His eyes seem to fill with tears from the pain but he just nods and breathes in, saying he's fine. After some cleaning later, his silence hurts me. I didn't mean to ruin the picnic, and Phil was hurt because of me. He wasn’t hurt that bad, and it wasn't anything to worry much about, but my stubbornness caused him pain. We both sat quietly on the blanket, not saying anything as the sky was turning darker.

 

“You would have thought I'd spill something today” he giggles. I look towards him and see his smile, and I feel forgiven.

 

“Should we go inside?”

 

“Yeah” he agrees, already packing his books. We gather our belongings and trudge back inside. Mom was gone, she left a note saying she’s out with friends and will be back sometime late in the night.

 

“I’m glad you have a new car” I smile, glancing out the window to the parking area. He looks over my shoulder to see his car, as if he forgot how it looks like.

 

“Yeah, I’m thankful my parents could chip in. I did save up a lot, and I mean, this is my first car. So I guess it’s pretty important to me” he voices. His proud smile of the small car makes me laugh, and I see his head whip around with a hurt look.

 

“Why are you laughing?”

 

“No, it’s just, you’re way too tall for the car. I mean, You’re taller than me. It’s not like I’m saying you shouldn’t be happy, but you’re so proud of such a small car. It’s so cute” I laugh. He pouts and I hug him from behind as we both look out the window to the small volvo sitting in the parking lot. I remember the day he got his driver's license after 4 tries. It definitely took a lot out of his pocket, but I still celebrated with him over the phone as if he did it the first try. 

 

“It’s very important for me. It’s my first car, and it a special moment” He utters. I smile and hide my face into his neck.

 

“It is a special moment, and I’m happy for you” I murmur into his neck. “You’re just so cute, that’s all”.

 

He turns around and out of my reach to look right at me. He had a serious face on and I immediately feel something’s wrong. 

 

“I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?” I ask worried.

 

“No, no. It’s just…” He trails on. He sits down on my bed and flops back. I take the “we need to talk” hint so I flop down beside him.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“I have a weird feeling” He whispers. I try to turn my head to look at him, but he isn’t looking at me. His face is looking at the fabric of the duvet, picking at the loose strings. “It’s just, I feel as if things are going to change really fast. Like, I won’t have a real future, you know?”

 

“What? Of course you’ll have a good future, you have amazing grades! Your resume looks amazing. I’m one of you references, I should know” I try to cheer him up.

 

“No, it’s not like that. Like, I have this feeling I won’t  _ have _ a future”

 

“Phil, don’t say that. Please, don’t say that” I say. I look right at him, and he’s still picking at the string. I was scared, Phil never talked about something so unlike him. He never liked talking about serious topics. “Phil”.

 

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been getting that feeling randomly. Like, a few weeks ago in class it just hit me and I asked to leave the room because I couldn’t even focus on the lesson. A few days ago it hit me when I was in the grocery store. Yesterday I remembered and I just bawled out my eyes like a little child. And it’s so hard to explain to your mom something you can’t explain yourself. You’re probably the only one I can tell” He barely whispers. I find his hand that’s fidgeting with the string and wrap it into my hand. He had small cold hands, and despite me being 2 cm shorter than him (1 cm when we measured again) our hands had size differences.

 

“I know, it’s a weird feeling. But all you can do is fight it, Phil. I’m always here, remember that” I say. He finally looks at me at he smiles for a second to show he understands. I don’t know how to help him, but I know he likes sitting in silence to deal with anything that dulls his usually happy mood.

 

“Today’s a mess, isn’t it? One second we’re spilling soup the next we’re questioning the meaning of life because of a car” Phil laughs. It wasn’t a humorous laugh, it was an empty laugh. A laugh that was scared of the truth. 

 

“Want to make another video?” I ask. I wanted to change the dark topic, despite me always talking about the inevitability of death and him always listening to my monologue. Plus, we’ve been making videos lately, and posting them to Phil’s and my Youtube channels. He has way more subscribers than me (4,000? That’s so much??) and they’re all very supportive. 

 

“Sure, of course. What about?”

 

“We can ask the audience for questions again, but this time it’ll be called AmazingDan”

 

“Nice twist, I like it” He smiles, getting up from the bed sheet and leaving me to pick at the string. He comes back with his camcorder and a stand, with his phone in hand.

 

“Let’s answer some questions” he says with a determined tone, yet a smile still played on his lips. It’s almost as if the weird spout of sadness from a minute ago didn’t happen. But I didn’t mention it, I never wanted to mention it. Phil was always happy, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. 

 

In just a few minutes, we’re laughing about watermelon and Phil asking if I’m Jesus.

 

“I have skittles in my mouth, do you want to taste the rainbow?” Phil asks from one of the questions. I laugh and he joins. We haven’t told his audience that we’re together, but it doesn’t matter. We don’t have to announce everything; it’s subtle. This, this right here. It’s what I want. I want that sense of being loved. And it truly is indescribable.

 

He shuts the camera off and my phone buzzes. 

 

``We’re having a party at Caspar’s house tomorrow night, you up for it?`` Joe texts.

 

``yeah, Phil and I are in`` I text back after asking a cheerful Phil. 

 

“Well then, get ready for tomorrow!” I exclaim.

 

\\\

 

The next day at school, Louise, Caspar, Hazel, Cat, Joe and Chris were sitting at the table. 

 

“So, who’s going to the party?” I ask, munching on my sandwich.

 

“I kind of made an open invitation party thing” Caspar answers. My eyes widen.

 

“Wow, that’s risky” I whistle. Caspar nods his head in agreement.

 

“I think it’s a good party to end the year on. I’m pretty sure everyone will enjoy it” He smiles. And with that smirky remark, my mind is set on the party. I look over at Phil, who seems excited. I don’t remember the last time I was at a good party, and I’m sure Phil doesn’t either.

 

That afternoon after school, Phil comes over to my flat so we can pick something out. I know that’s usually a girl thing, but we decided to be cheesy and match subtly. I chose a black button-down shirt with navy blue jeans, and Phil had a dark navy shirt with black pants, which I found a funny combination.

 

“What?” He asks as I stifle a giggle.

 

“We look so cheesy”

 

“I guess”

 

“I suppose that’s how it’s supposed to be, huh?” I laugh and side hug him as we both look in the mirror. We both look at our reflections, still and calm. 

 

“We look so nice. We look young, and vulnerable” He says. I nod, resting my head on his.

 

“I want this view of us to stay forever” He spoke quietly. I plant a soft kiss on his forehead.

 

“I do too”.

 

It’s perfect. It’s just how i wanted it; not an all out relationship, but so trustworthy. I forgot all that I was told, that high school relationships don’t last. Because, it felt like this was forever going to stay with me.

 

“Alright, let’s go” I say, patting his shoulder as we walk out. Phil decides to drive, as he won’t be drinking. He was also willing to show off his car.

 

We start off to Caspar’s house, somewhere in the new area. We park a good 10 houses down due to the lineup of cars.

 

“Are those all for the party?” I ask.

 

“I hope not”

 

But as we knock on the door, and a way-too-cheery Caspar opens the door, I notice all the people inside.

 

“Aye, it’s the school’s famous lovebirds!” He shouts. People that are crowded around him whoop in unison, and I feel Phil grabbing my hand in reassurance. This kind of party...wasn’t for me. Phil knew that.

 

“If it get’s too much, we’ll leave, ok?” He yell-whispers in my ear over the loud music. I nod with a thank you hanging off my lips, but he was washed away from me as we enter as people start pulling him in their conversations. A group of Caspar’s friends corner me and start trying weird small talk. I was obviously struggling, and I was looking around to see any faces that I trusted. Phil was too far away now, and I had to go somewhere. Louise was on the table, and taking shots while other people were cheering for her. That’s not a sight I was expecting. Cat and Hazel were beside her with a familiar brunette amongst them who I suspect is their friend Dodie, so there was no hope there. Caspar and Joe were chatting up girls and trying to impress them, so that wasn’t going to work either. I spotted PJ and Chris close by with some others, so I snuck closer to them. Thankfully they noticed me and brought me over, and it felt a bit better.

 

“Hey lads, this is Dan. Dan, this is Oli and Josh. They’re some good friends of ours. I’m sure you’ve seen each other” Chris introduces us. I nod my head and they nod back. Some chatting later and everyone is pretty buzzed except for me. It’s always a bit weird being the sober guy at the party, and seeing how wild everyone is. They lose control of their actions, and they have no boundaries. I mean,  _ no _ boundaries. A couple started making out right in front of me, and when I was walking trying to get through, the guy gave me his drink and said I could keep it. Ah yes, thank you. I set down the cup on the busy table and decided it was time to find Phil. I try to swim through the crowds of people, trying to locate a black fringe. Soon enough I see a bewildered Phil being crowded by a group of girls. At this point, it was such a funny sight I laughed. I guess Phil heard it, as his head turned to see me. His eyes screamed “Help” and also “I’ll kill you later”. I shimmy over to accompany his obvious social awkwardness.

 

“How’s it going ladies?” I ask, half hoping Phil would laugh. They giggle, seeing us almost as amusement. Louise and the gang were coming over to us, and I saw Louise brought along a friend.

 

“Who’s this?” Phil asks, nodding towards a tall blond guy beside her.

 

“This is Dan. He’s um, my…” She stuttered, giggling a bit. We got the hint, and though Phil would be protective about her, he nodded at him and didn’t seem concerned. Maybe because he was happy that Louise finally was able to be with people that she liked. But he did keep an eye on them as they walked out onto the dance floor. I’m not too surprised about that. I turn to a Hazel and Dodie, who are both giggling and bantering in the corner, and as Hazel catches my eye, I give a thumbs up and a wink nodding towards Dodie. She sticks up a middle finger but smirks, leaning more into Dodie. I knew Dodie from History class, and I heard a few rumors about the two. Knowing that my friends are finding people is cool. Whether romantically like Louise, or just rekindling a friendship like Chris and PJ, I’m still so happy. It’s almost 2 years since the gang has joined together as one, and it’s nice to see the progression into adulthood. Yeah that may sound cheesy, yeah it may sound like a coming-of-age typical teen movie, but I guess in a sense it’s supposed to be.

 

As the part starts sectioning off and people join their own areas, the gang come together along with their other friends. They all seem to be happy, cheery and just glowing. Mostly because of the alcohol, but also because of excitement for the future. We don’t know what things is will bring, and everyone’s excitement about it is sensed. We finished our A-levels and we’re either off to uni or work. That feeling of a new freedom is enticing, and I’m wondering how our relationships together will be. Will we be as close as we are now? I wasn’t too sure, but I was excited for the outcome. 

 

Caspar has somehow found the champagne, and since it’s non-alcoholic, Phil and I decide to drink it. I scan my eyes across the name, seeing ``ariel brut`` scrawled onto it. I nod my head in impressment. I didn’t know Caspar had a good taste to champagne. We all pour our preferred amounts and hold it up in a toast. A tipsy Louise is still able to think correctly, and with the confidence she now holds, she spoke up for a short heroic speech.

 

“Today, we mark the first night as adults! I want to thank all of you for sticking through it, you bright sons of bitches. Caspar, you hold all the weirdest events and you are truly a loyal friend. Joe, you make the most scarily accurate voice impressions. You really fooled me with the Matthew Mcconaughey voice over the phone. You still have to pay for the glass I broke over that shock” She drawled. Everyone chuckled.

 

“Chris and PJ, the now inseparable duo that are too similar to team rocket. Honestly, you two are so funny and need to make some kind of comedy show. Cat, Hazel and now Dodie. You are the kindest friends I could ask for. You three mean so much to me.

 

“Now you two” she turned to us. “You two are honestly the real ‘couple goals’ everyone strives for. Phil, You’ve been the best older cousin anyone could ask for. You’re my brother, and remembering how much you have done for me through our lives is just amazing. I never thought that the cousin that I would talk with for hours on end during the night would be the one that made me who I am today. Thank you. Also, Dan’s a keeper, so stay with that boy. And Dan, you are such a bright man. You mean so much to us all. You really did help us all with realizing you shouldn’t judge a book by its… scary cover” She joked. I smile.

 

“Wow, thanks Louise”

 

“No problem”.

 

“Ok now that that’s out of the way, cheers!” Caspar shouts. We clink our flutes together and down it. And with that one drink, I realize this is the last moment of youth. It’s scary, but it’s there. I look at the flute as everyone is cheering, and I feel melancholy. Like ending the last chapter of a good book. Dodie pulled out her polaroid and snapped a photo of us, and it printed out. She was snapping all the moments earlier, and it’s cute of her to capture the last moments of adolescents.  But in the moment of the photo, I realized something on my cheek. I turn my head, and realized Phil kissed my cheek. I smile, and he smiles back. He also has that look in his eyes; the realization that this will all end. This whole feeling of not caring. But we feel happy anyways, because that’s what living in the present feels like.

 

“Kairosclerosis” Phil whispers.

 

“What?”

 

“It means the realization of how happy you are in an important milestone in your life, yet you’re trying to keep it so much it becomes less happy”

 

“Hm. Stop reading my mind Phil Lester” I laugh, pushing him. He laughs back, making it seem less sad. 

 

We decide to go home, and Phil says he’ll drive. He really wants to prove that he can drive correctly, so I guess he wants as much practice as possible. I call my mom and tell her I’m staying over at Phil’s house. I already knew she would agree with it, as this was the end of school for the both of us and she wasn’t one who stopped me going anywhere. It will be much harder to convince Phil’s parents though. As we start the car, I turn on the radio and switch in between stations. One of Britney spears’ songs come on, and I turn the volume up to piss him off.

 

“Turn it down!”

 

“What?”

 

“Turn the music down!” He shouts.

 

“Sorry! I can’t hear you over this great music!” I tease him. After his glare is accompanied by an annoyed smile, I turn down the music.

 

“That’s all I needed” I smirk. 

 

“Hm, really?” He asks.

 

“Yes”

 

“Well thats easy”

 

“Ha, you are certainly my weakness” I roll my eyes dramatically.

 

“Oh, am I just the one you would faint for?” He fiercely puts his hand to his forehead. 

 

“Why yes, ‘tis true!” We both laugh. As I turn to him and admire him, I see his eyes in the darkness. Yes it’s dark, but you can still make them out. I’m just so thankful for him. His calm expression changes all of a sudden to sheer panic. I feel as if my body is thrown forward, and I realize it is. I turn my head and in just a millisecond I see the car that has swerved into our lane crash right into us. My eyes close, and I’m left alone again.

 

As I drift in and out of consciousness for what seems like years, a siren wakes me up completely. Moments later, hands start grabbing my shirt and forcefully opening my eyes. I peered to see a blonde officer with a bandage in her hand, seemed to be cleaning something below my point of sight. I look down and my arm was missing some skin, and caked with blood. I didn't feel the pain, and it came as a shock to me that I was even injured. Then something didn't seem right. Why am I here? I try to sit up, but they push me back down, saying something I couldn't understand very well. The officer’s lips were moving, but she might as well have been speaking a different language.

 

“What?” I ask her. My vision was getting even blurrier, and I couldn't focus on her face.

 

I rested my head back down and slowly closed my eyes. But the noise beside me was loud, and more sirens were heard. I could focus on it properly, but I felt the ground shake slightly as people's feet stamped around me. I open my eyes slightly, and see paramedics bringing out a stretcher and many other contraptions I didn't recognize. 

 

Then, like a wave of knowledge, a memory comes back to me. I was in a car. The car crashed. And Phil was right beside me. I start flailing about, trying to get up and find where he is. The officer keeps pulling me down, and saying words like “rest”, “you need to relax”, “you're going to hurt yourself if you get up so soon”. I felt threatened by her words, but my vision was getting so blurry I was seeing two of her. I decided to lay back down and hope that Phil is ok. But then loud shouts from some distance away from me spread panic through my body.

 

“He needs more air!”

 

“His skull isn't in fit shape, sir”

 

“Quickly, patch his neck!” 

 

These words made me more dizzy, and all the shouting and noise was drowning out.

 

Everything except those dreaded words.

 

“Time of death, 5:48 am”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aye so exams are done, and i've been meaning to write this. Ok, so THIS is the second last one, as I decided to split the last chapter up (It was way too long) so here ya go

**~sickeningly sweet like honey,**

**don't need money~**

I wake up on a stretcher, similar to the one I saw earlier. My arm seemed to be in a sling, its searing pain hits me as I try to move it. That's definitely broken. My brain searched for information, until the chilling words that I have heard in plenty hospital dramas were said in the real world.

 

But, maybe it wasn't real?

 

I look about, and see that I'm behind an ambulance. I take the blanket they draped over me and set it aside, getting off and slowly walking towards the noise. On the other side, there was a crowd of people, looking at what just happened. Police were guarding everything, and the weird tape I only saw on TV was right in front of me. I get up and slowly sneak past the ambulance, the police distracted by the wreck ahead. My feet stumble towards the street where people seem to be gathering. I spot a familiar face, with golden locks shaking about in the wet rainy wind. I duck below the tape and walk up to her, her face in horror and a hand over her mouth, as if she was a statue.

 

“Louise! Louise!” I cry out, and rush to her. She hugs me tightly, her sobs barking out uncontrollably. 

 

“You’re ok! Thank God. At least you’re here” She smiled painfully, her hand stroking my cheek.

 

“What do you mean at least I’m here?” I ask. Her eyes welled up with a fresh flow of tears, her bottom lip quivering as she lets out a shaky breath.

 

“Phil didn’t make it”

 

Tears roll down my cheeks, and I back up in shock. 

 

“He.. he what?”

 

“He passed away, Dan. I am so sorry-” Louise tries to console me, tears streaming down her red face. But I break away, unable to process what just happened. I stumble toward the street, hear her calling out to me, but I don’t care about her. I care about Phil. Phil is the only one who I care about right now. He can’t be dead. 

 

I run farther, past my house, leading to the park. Sirens can be heard from it, and the adrenaline pumping through my veins makes me feel like I had a heart attack. I walk up to the familiar car, my hands shaking as I see pale skin being covered by a tarp. I run up to him, pushing the paramedics out of the way. Some of them try to catch me and pull me back, but they just don’t want him to be with me. 

 

“Phil! Phil, please!” I scream. I thrash as they hold me back. One of the officers see my bleeding arm, and he tells them to let me go. I run up to Phil, his face not yet covered by the tarp. It was pale, almost translucent. His raven hair pushed back from his face, glasses missing. But his eyes were a pale blue, no life in them. My last hope of life in his eyes, was gone. He couldn’t be dead. I can’t allow that!

 

“Bring him back” I whisper gently as I rest my forehead on his still warm chest. “Phil, you can’t...”

 

My voice died down to barely a croak. But as there was just barely a voice left, I whispered a small sentence.

 

“Thank you, Phil”

 

My breathing was heavy, and I felt an arm on my shoulder.

 

“We have to go now, Dan”

 

They were trying to take him!

 

“No! Stop! You can’t take him!” I pleaded with the paramedics, them trying to sit me down. 

 

“Please! He can’t just go! Phil, wake up! WAKE UP! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!” I scream as they take his body away. I was on the ground, shaking as two paramedics were by my side. The rain was pouring even harder than before, and my stomach copies it’s mood. Like I’ve just been shot, a hole gnaws itself into it. 

 

They lift me up and sit me down in one of the ambulances. They lay a blanket on me that seems too heavy, and it bothers me. I try pushing it off, but the lady just puts it on me again. 

 

“Dan, is it? You were in the car as well?” 

 

I nod.

 

“A medic patched up your arm?”

 

I nod again.

 

The words she speaks are unclear, and I want to wake up. I want this to just be a messed up dream, where we’re still in high school and Phil is telling me about our future. I want to wake up to the God awful alarm buzzing in the morning, making me wake up for another dreaded day of school. I want it to be a severe dream, something that my brain made up. I want it to just be a messed up version of my imagination, just so reality is normal. But it’s real. It’s too real. A phone call is heard from one the medics, holding what appears to be my cell phone. It’s still working, despite the loss of a human life. A shitty phone decides it can survive, but a precious human life can’t. My fist clenches, and I see the paramedic looking at me as she spoke. The call ended abruptly, and she walked up to me again.

 

“Dan, I contacted your mother and father”

 

“You contacted my what?!” I yell, hearing her voice hitch for a second in shock.

 

“Your mother is coming to pick you up. First we need to take you to the emergency area to check your standing, and she can drive along with you” She explained.

 

“You contacted my father? Are you mentally ill? Why the hell would you even talk to that son of a bitch!”  I was shaking again, and hearing my father’s name being said almost made me pass out. Her face showed a sign of being impatient, but she composed herself and looked right into my eyes.

 

“I contacted your father as he was in your contacts. He did have a shocked tone to see your phone number, but he quickly dismissed his shock when he heard your circumstance. He replied that he was legally not allowed to see you” She handed the phone back, almost unsure if it’s safe to sit beside me. I scoot over, and she deems it safe enough. Sitting down, the awkward silence creaks in while she swings her feet back and forth. She obviously never consoled anyone before, as the tears streaming down my face was the only progress happening. The other paramedics walk over, the tarp now gone along with Phil. I wasn’t sure where he was, but whenever I asked, they ignored it. Instead, they pulled out a stretcher for my to ride in on the way to the A&E. I sit inside it, the woman following close behind. I heard the shrilling voice of my mother, and she almost jumps into the back along with me. I assumed she just got back from work, and she immediately pulls me into a hug so tight my arm shoots pain through me. She hears me groan, and she pulls back quickly, remembering the cast in place. Instead, she sat beside me, stroking my face as if I were to disappear any moment. But her efforts to talk to me were rendered useless, as I couldn’t focus. My mind was on Phil, tears flowing as if someone didn’t turn off the tap in my eyes. It was sobs at first, but now I was just shaking, the occasional hiccup interrupting their quiet murmurs. The whole ride to the hospital was a blur, and before I knew it, the cast was fitted to my arm and we were back home. But it sure didn’t feel like home.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for this wonderful journey with you guys. It means so much. I loved writing this, and I hope you enjoy this hard ending.

**_~All I need is, you.~_ **

 

_ Sonder /noun/; _

_ the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.  _

 

I never thought I would stick so much to a word. I guess, maybe because I always saw the world from my point of view. I didn’t see it as anyone else, it was all me. No one cemented enough into my life for me to think twice about what others may think. How others feel, how they experience their day, how they smile, how they cry, how they feel excitement and sorrow. It was always, just a numb buzz of my existence. It was plain; I knew that. My family consisted of two people, and when it’s reduced to one person and a dog, I suppose you stop caring about feeling. No one payed enough attention to me, so I did the same. I cried, and I thought I was the only one. I felt empty, and I felt alone. I felt like this was a lonely story. It was a bland book that you would find at the bargain bin of an old book store. It was uninteresting, and it was worthless. That was my life, boring and monotone. I would die eventually and no one would remember me. After high school, I would only be a speck of dust in everyone’s memories. I would not matter enough to anyone to even be someone’s memory.

 

But, I met Phil. And he changed my life. I never knew that a geeky boy like him, could turn out to be the most honest, kind and beautiful person in my existence. I don’t know what would have happened without him.

 

My time with him was short. We were only friends for 2 years. But that two years was the best time of my life, and I wanted to relive every moment. Because Phil showed me sonder. He showed me that everyone has a story, and that mine is just as important. He brought the colour into my life, and he unfolded a world before me that I never thought I would see. He took off the blinders and showed me the open field, and I couldn’t be any happier. You see, I was planning to end this all. To end the numb pain. I didn’t mean anything to anyone. There wasn’t a point to live anymore, so why should I try? School wasn’t important. No one really needed me. But I felt differently when he was around. I felt important, and for the first time in my life I felt appreciated. With him, I could do anything. All the limits that strained me down were gone, and with him I felt like I could do anything. I felt alive, and I felt like this was what life is supposed to be. You actually look forward to the next day, and you feel too excited to fall asleep. That was what my meaning of life was, and I loved it. I knew that I could explore more, because everyday was better than the last. He gave life to me when I felt dead. The intensity was there, and that was when life felt meaningful. The colours started rushing it, and it was a masterpiece. I suspect when someone is colourblind and they finally see the colours they were missing, it’s like finding a whole new part of the story. I suppose that’s what it felt like. Because my life was full.

 

And that’s when the feeling of the aftermath came back. 

 

_ Yu Yi /noun/; _

_ The desire to feel intense again. _

 

It’s derived from the chinese language; it means Jade suit. A jade suit was used during the older era for those who could afford such an expensive fabric. The body would be laid in the tomb, expected to preserve the body, to preserve the memory of that person for as long as possible. But that never worked, because the body still decayed and it still turned into dust. People still wanted that intensity of them back. So they used Yu Yi, even if it didn’t work. They tried, but it could never work. I guess that’s how I feel; I want those moments of being with Phil to be intense again. 

 

I never tried to learn fancy and unknown words before. But that’s all that was on my mind. It was like a … coping mechanism. The dictionary hasn’t left my bed for a whole week. Just like me.

 

“Dan for god’s sake, get up” My mum opens my door. 

 

“Go! Leave me alone! I can’t just-” I yell, my shout muffled by my pillow.

 

“Dan, I gave you time”

 

“Not enough” I shout back. I curl up further into a ball, the duvet engulfing me completely. Perhaps wanting to disappear. To prove that none of this is actually real. Maybe I'll wake up, and I’ll be back to the dark depressing guy in the back of class while Phil is laughing with his friends. Where he’s alive.

 

I hear her soft footsteps patter next to me as the end of the bed dips. Her hand rests on my leg, patting it rhythmically. 

 

“You want to know what?” She croaked. I don’t know if she expected me to answer, but she spoke anyways.

 

“I never saw you so happy in your 18 years of life like you were this last year” she says, her voice breaking on the last word.

 

“Phil was such a nice young man. He was kind, helped me with cooking, and was so understanding of our family. He never questioned you; he saw past your mask. You see, you helped him out of that bush that time ago, but I think he helped you as well. I was so happy to see you so cheerful, and so alive.

 

“I’m so sorry that such a horrible thing could happen to such a bright soul. I know how soul crushing this is for you. I understand completely. He meant so much to you, and the others around him. I spoke with Mrs. Lester, and the pain-” She stopped mid sentence, holding back tears. I’m not facing her, but I can hear the sadness as she’s trying to hold herself together. “The pain I saw in her face was unbearable. So yes, this is hard. I know, it’s hard and you want to give up because you feel lost, don’t you?”

 

I don’t answer. I can’t speak.

 

“Well, let me tell you something, Dan. You are young, and you’ll be on your own soon. Phil brought you to who you are. He wouldn’t want you like this. He would tell you to get up and meet new people, and to live a life that you want. He helped you become happy again. I don’t want to lose you again” She barely whispered the last sentence. A choked sob rings out in my small room, and I shut my eyes tight.

 

“You have to see him one last time. Please” She said, her voice broken and weak. The bed lifts up again and I hear her footsteps walk away from me. A small squeak is heard beside me, and I turn my head so that my face is peeking out. Squish is sitting there, his toy in his mouth. He wasn’t begging. He knew I was sad. He just layed there and rested his head on his paws with the toy as his accomplice. I was in bed, I couldn’t sleep since all my dreams were filled with Phil. I couldn’t stand the sight of seeing him peacefully in my dreams, kind and giggly, but then all of a sudden that look on his face appears. That same look I saw when I last saw him alive.

 

I felt empty. I couldn’t go. I can’t go out there and face everyone. I can’t speak to people who just look at me in pity, who mumble their sorry excuses. They have no idea what it feels like. I just don’t want to face people who stay rigid and fictitious, who will only nod their heads in sympathy and don’t even think twice as they go out of that funeral home and forget. Phil will just be a photoset and disappearing memories for them; but not for me. I don’t want their glances. I don’t want them anywhere near me, and I can’t even go there.

 

But I go. The next day was the funeral, and since Mr. and Mrs. Lester were postponing the funeral for their own sake, it was a sort of break for me. The next day, the suit I wear is casual, but not casual enough. I avoid the the cast on my arm as I dress, and this day was the first day I showered since the crash. I did certainly need that shower. I pick up the rose laying on my bed, and I stare at it. The petals giving off colour that are way too bright for a funeral. I lay it back and glance towards the door. The funeral will be in an hour, but there is still a mass in his honour that I have to go to. I open the door leading to the hallway, and see mum dressed in a black shirt and skirt. Her hair is down and covers a lot of her face, so I walk up to her and push it back behind her ear. She glances at me, her eyes hollow. I hold out my arm for her to take it, and so she does we walk out, the rose now in her hand. I try to avoid it, not daring to look at it as I get into the driver seat. I know she won’t be able to drive, so I drive instead. The trip to the church is much longer than I remembered it to be, but maybe I feel that because of the gloomy weather. 

 

_ Ha, look at how fitting the weather is. I feel honoured for mother nature to be so accurate to me  _ Phil would say. He would joke about the weather, and would suggest to drive to show off his skills. He would then swerve around a bit, and I would shout  _ Phil! _ As he would laugh, his tongue poking out. 

 

I get out of the car as I pull up, and mum gets out after me. We walk inside, and I pick a seat on the edge of the pews. The casket lay there, closed before the mass. I don’t dare look at it as well. I just stare at my feet.

 

_ What, are you scared of a body? Especially mine? Oh Dan, what a shame  _ He would tease me.

 

The procession starts and every stands. The pastor says something about how precious life is, but I don’t listen again. Before I know it, the mass has ended and the casket is to be carried out to the funeral home limousine.

 

_ Ha! I told you I would go into a limousine sometime! It’s a shame you didn’t go to prom with me, then we would have ordered the cheapest one. Imagine everyone's face. That would be just amazing _ He would say. I would taunt him about getting a neon green one, and he would stick out his tongue in disgust.

 

People go up, speeches prepared. My hands held nothing, so I simply sat there. What would I say? I didn’t prepare anything. I stayed silent this whole time. I didn’t contact anyone about anything. Mrs. Lester only once asked my mum if I had a speech, and I didn’t prepare one. I couldn’t.

 

_ Go up and say how many times I beat you at mario kart _ Phil would laugh.

 

Mrs. Lester was telling her side of knowing her son, and I feel so sorry for her. Her only son died, and she went through so much. Her and her husband were devastated, and their faces were hidden with grief. But I heard my name, she looked at me, her sleep deprived eyes beckoning me over.

 

“Dan might have a few words for Phil” She said, getting down from the stand. I look, as people turn to me. They were all relatives, family friends. I felt vulnerable. They didn’t really know Phil like I did, and they treat his death so theatrically. And not the kind Phil and I did. I got up slowly, walking up to the podium, adjusting the microphone. 

 

“Um, I’m Dan, as some of you may know. I, uh, I didn’t prepare anything. I didn’t think I would say anything, and…” My voice drowns out, looking at the faces in the front row. There sat the whole gang, all looking horrible. They looked 20 years older, seemed less colourful. Their eyes filled with grief. I looked to Louise, who didn’t even seem present. Her eyes were glued to the floor, as if not registering where she was. And I felt awfully selfish, because for the first time I finally see how it took a toll on everyone else. Louise lost her best friend, her cousin, her go-to other half. I was acting as if I was the only one affected, while this whole room was grieving their hearts out.

 

“Phil was everything to me” I stated. Louise looked up, hoping for something.

 

“Phil was the one I could fall back on. He meant everything to me, and I’m sure everyone feels the same way. You all lost someone dear to you; a friend, a nephew, a cousin, a relative, a son” I say. I look at his parents, their expressions damp. But Mrs. Lester gave me the small melancholy smile, something to reassure the pain. I told them about how much of an angel Phil was, despite his weariness. I cut out the part of us dating; I didn’t want his relatives to react badly.

 

“So, I’m here to say; Phil is much more than just another statistic to impaired driving. He’s our Phil. He all has memories with us. That will never change, and I’m sure everyone can agree” I crack on the last word, the tears forming again. My breathing wasn’t close to ok, and it felt so restrained. I look over at Louise, but her sight wasn’t what I expected. I didn’t say everything yet.

 

“Phil was more than what we saw” I say, her look waiting. “He was the one anyone can depend on. I’m sure many of you don’t know this, but Phil helped Louise when she was being bullied. Caspar would have struggled with getting used to a new school, but Phil came along and explained what friendship was to him. PJ and Chris were his best pals, and there probably wouldn’t be a PJ and Chris duo without Phil”

 

I take a deep breath, shaking slightly as the words fall out of my mouth.

 

“And I wouldn’t be alive today if Phil hadn’t been there for me” I say. Louise gasps slightly, and I can almost see my mum’s reaction. I close my eyes, and with a last sentence to end it all, “Phil, thank you”. 

 

I step down and shuffle to my seat, the pairs of eyes looking at me as I sink into my seat. More of the preacher speaking later, and I can hear his voice.

 

_ Did you really want to die? _

 

I wouldn’t lie to him. I couldn’t. I would have nodded, my head down as he pulls me into a tight hug. A small heartbeat would be heard as he would stroke my hair, and it would be ok again. No words exchanged. But it wasn’t ok anymore.

 

The procession annoyed me. Maybe because it looked just like in the movies, but with people I know replacing the actors. Men holding the casket and pushing it into the limo, as if it wasn’t Phil. It didn’t feel like Phil was even there. The body in there didn’t look like him. The final glance at the body showed no resemblance to the Phil I knew. I stared at the lifeless body in front of me, it’s pale skin delicate against the fabric contrasting it. A single rose was placed in his hand, and my mind imagined him handing it to me. 

 

_ To a flower boy _ he’d say. I would take it, gently inhaling its scent. His eyes would show a beautiful glimmer, the shine of hope I’m looking for. A warm smile would spread on his lips, and I’d lean in for a small kiss.

 

Instead, I’m staring at a lifeless corpse. And it isn’t Phil. It’s a copy of Phil, the robotic and cold replica. That last glance is the last I saw of Phil, right before they lowered him into the ground. My mind was gone. I breathed heavily, knowing I’ll never see him again. A small tap on my shoulder startled me, and I turn to see the gang. Louise stood there, her purse swaying with the wind. Caspar was side hugging her, his eyes distant. Hazel, Cat, and Dodie were huddled beside them, all with red, damp eyes. Chris, PJ, and Joe were on the other side of me. They all didn’t have that glow in them anymore. I look over to Louise, her expression blank. She looks at me, and without a word she hugs me tightly. One by one, each person latches onto us, and soon there is a big group hug. We all stand there, silent. The occasional sob is heard, and a few minutes later we let go. Louise wipes the tears from my eyes, she smoothes out the suit I have on. 

 

“The same suit, huh?” She croaks. I nod. We all slowly walk down the road, away from the procession as everyone begins to leave. As the other get ahead of me, Dodie walks beside me and hands me a photo.

 

“Thought you might want it” She tells me. The polaroid she took the night of the crash, with Phil kissing my cheek. I hold it tightly, and I look back up at Dodie after inspecting it. 

 

“Thank you” I say. Her lip turns up in the corner a bit, that sign of reassurance. We walk back to the group, our walk syncing together as we’re all silent.

 

//

 

**3 months later**

 

The car we all take to the cottage is cramped, all our belongings tight in the back. We barely fit in the van, but Hazel insisted we all drive in the same car.

 

“Brighton is so far away. It’s unbelievable that we made it” Dodie admires. Louise, the current driver, squeals as she sees a sign we pass by.

 

“We’re in North Laine everyone! Yes!”

 

Everyone cheers, partially due to the cramped space, and us wanting to actually move somewhere. We drive up the the rented cottage. It was very small (we could barely afford it) but it was close to shore. The run-down look didn’t bother me, and I was just glad we got here. Everyone gets out of the car and we unpack the suitcases from the back. I take mine and help the others with taking it upstairs. Caspar runs upstairs and with Joe, they call one of the rooms. The others run up, leaving Hazel and I with the remaining suitcases. 

 

“Well, might as well” She says, motioning me to join. We run upstairs and find a room. I find the small one-bed bedroom, flopping back on it. It’s comforter was fluffy enough to lay in all day. 

 

“We got working WiFi everyone!” PJ yells. I pull out my phone, and see the server Louise told me about. I type in the password and text my mum I arrived. Her voice sounded much better, and she told me she was going on a date tonight.

 

“Yes! Finally! With whom?”

 

“Do you know Mr. Higgins from next door?” She asks.

 

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting that” I laugh. He was a man who was few years older than mum, but he helped us out with groceries and was kind to Squish. 

 

“Do you give the blessing?”

 

“Yes, I do” I tell her. She sounded much more joyful, and I feel great. She’s much happier now. I hang up after a goodbye, and the others say we’re going to the beach for dinner. We pack the food, Louise making sure we have everything. I grab a blanket, and we walk to the nearby sand dunes close to the dock.

 

“It’s 6 o’clock, do any of you think we should have a little glass of wine?” Hazel asks as we lay out the blanket. We all take a glass, and before we know it, everyone is having fun. 

 

“No, he legit said ‘You’re too young, lad’ but then I showed him my driver's license” PJ says, explaining his crazy story with Chris when they went to an underground club. They somehow got caught with some weird people, and managed to escape the crazy bedroom of someone they accidentally entered. Everyone was laughing hysterically, and I even managed a few good laughs. 

 

The sun sets after a few hours, and the other start splitting up around the beach. I decide to leave to the rocky area, and I take a seat. The dark night was lit by a moon, and tiny stars littered the dark indigo sky. I look up, my mind wandering to when Phil helped me sneak out to get ice cream at like 3 in the morning. When we looked up at the sky, and he told me he liked those stars. Those were the same stars I was looking at now. 

 

_ They’re like still fairylights. They’re the natural ones _ He’d say. I’d nod, a smile playing on lips as he’d start naming them.

 

_ That one is Linda. She seems like the kind of woman who would own 7 cats _

 

_ Why 7 cats? _

 

_ I don’t know, Lindas are just like that _ He’d joke around. But today, I heard him say something different.

 

_ Dan, enjoy yourself with the others. I’m gone, but I’ll be with you forever. Just, just go with your friends. The ones that are still alive. They support you and are here for you _ .

 

_ I can’t let go. _

 

_ Do it for me, then. _

 

“Dan, come!” I hear Louise shout from a distance. She had sparklers in her hand, waving around enthusiastically. 

  
“Thank you, Phil” I whisper. Off I go, off to the amazing friends that await the future adventures.

 

Enouement;

_n._  the bittersweetness of having arrived here in the future, where you can finally get the answers to how things turn out in the real world

**Author's Note:**

> Dan comes home as he discovers his mom has a major panic attack. he consoles her, and goes to school the next day. Then he thinks about his past, and decides to talk with Phil so that he isn't so lonely.


End file.
